


Unreciprocated

by simplymoa



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Brad "Cheeks" Bell RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-02
Updated: 2010-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4850735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplymoa/pseuds/simplymoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Brad ran his finger around the edge of his glass and sighed. He didn't want to be there, but Adam had insisted that he came, and Brad had eventually given in. Now there he was, alone in a sea of people. He looked around. Cass and Danielle sat at a table, looking almost as bored as he felt. Tommy was on the dance floor, grinding away with a redhead. He saw Brad looking and shot him a grin.

‘Well, at least someone is enjoying himself', Brad thought before turning to look for his best friend.

Brad heard a familiar cackle, and looked up to see Adam flirting wildly with a couple of boys who were glowing with the attention.

'Make that two' Brad sighed again as he watched Adam pull two boys onto the dance floor and begin grinding with them. He looked good; he was in the tightest pair of leather pants Brad had ever seen. The pants fit him like a second skin, and that made Brad wonder if Adam was wearing anything under them. He concluded that he probably wasn't and Brad shifted uncomfortably as he felt his groin begin to react.

He stared as Adam moved his body to the music. He looked absolutely great, fuckable. Brad shook images of the past out of his head. That was all in the past. Now, Adam was just his friend, his best friend. Brad smiled to himself. Adam was finally happy. His life was finally going in the direction he had always wanted it to go. He was almost back to the person Brad had known before. Before Brad had cheated on him, before he had betrayed his trust, before he had trampled all over his heart. Adam was much better now, and Brad was grateful for that, even if that meant he could not have much of a role in Adam’s life anymore. Adam was happy and that was enough. Suddenly Brad realized as he stood transfixed by his friend dancing, that he was still just as much in love with his best friend, if not more so, than he had ever been.

___________________________________________

Snapping out of his reverie, Brad downed the rest of his drink and went in search of the bar, needing to get away from Adam before he walked over there, spun him around and kissed him. He knew better than that. Had more self-control, something he had developed after months of struggling with the temptation of calling Adam in the middle of the night, of showing up at Adam’s door and begging him to take him back. He had told himself a million times that he had been stupid enough to ruin everything between them and he couldn’t afford to have those feelings for Adam anymore. He had tried to convince himself that he had to come to terms with the fact that he and Adam were over for good, and that he should find somebody else. He had tried, he really had, but every relationship had been doomed from the start because none of them were Adam.

Suddenly he was clapped on the back, and he jumped.

"Jumpy much?" Danielle asked as she slipped onto the stool next to her friend.

"Sorry," Brad replied, looking over at her. Danielle frowned at the look in Brad's eyes, recognizing it instantly. Brad gave her a half smile and picked up the shot glass in front of him, downing it, grimacing as the liquid burnt its’ way down his throat.

"You okay?" Danielle asked. Brad looked at her but his attention was drawn to Adam, who was visible over Danielle's shoulder. Danielle realized Brad wasn't looking at her and turned to see what had caught his attention. Seeing Adam, Danielle sighed, and turned back to Brad.

"Don't torture yourself."

Brad looked back at his friend and smiled ruefully.

"Can't help it."

Danielle shook her head sadly. She knew she couldn't fix Brad's problem, that she would have to continue to stand by and watch as he tortured himself with an unreciprocated love, only able to offer support, and a shoulder to cry on when it all became too much to bear.

Danielle turned and focused on the dance floor, easily spotting Adam in the crowd. Brad had become more and more withdrawn recently and spent too much time lost in his own thoughts. Danielle, Alan and Cassidy had noticed and discussed it privately, aware of Brad's feelings, but unable to find a resolution. She turned back to Brad, who was still staring at Adam.

"You wanna blow this party and go home?" Brad looked at her and shrugged. He knew Danielle was trying to help him, but he also knew he was a hopeless case.

"No, I'm gonna stick around for a bit," He glanced over to the exit, spotting two familiar figures there.

"It looks like Cassidy and Alan are ready to leave as well. Why don't you go back with them?" Danielle eyed him warily.

"Look Danny, I'll be okay, I swear. I've managed to handle it for all these months, I can handle it for one more night, okay?" Danielle stood up reluctantly and moved away from the bar.

"Okay sweetheart, but if you need me you know where I am."

"Thanks D."

Danielle just nodded and smiled before disappearing into the crowd to catch up with Cassidy and Alan.

___________________________________________

 

Danielle reached her friends and as they got into Cassidy’s car they turned to look at her with a question in their eyes. Danielle shrugged and shook her head, "He wanted to stay."

Cassidy shook his head in disbelief, "I wish we could do something. He's getting worse every day."

Alan spoke up as well, "I know, Cass. At first I thought it was only natural for him to cling to the last shreds of their relationship, but it’s been months since their breakup. Brad still shows no sign of snapping out of it and I'm starting to get worried."

"Starting?" Danielle said, "I've been worried about this for months, ever since it became obvious that Brad was still truly in love with Adam."

Cassidy nodded in agreement, "I know Danny, but what can we do? We've tried everything, including setting him up with people and yet he keeps coming back to Adam. I guess we've done all we can do to help. Maybe we just have to keep supporting him and let things work out for themselves."

They looked at each other, knowing deep down that really, it was all they could do. They spent the remainder of the trip in silence, all trying to find another solution to their friend’s problem.

___________________________________________

 

Back at the club, Brad turned back to the bar and ordered a bottle of water; he didn't feel like getting drunk. He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a swig. He continued to stare at the people on the dance floor, looking but not really seeing, as he became lost in his own thoughts once again. He didn't see Adam approach him, nor did he react, until he felt the bottle he had been holding being removed from his hand. He suddenly realized that Adam was standing in front of him, and watched as he lifted Brad's drink to his lips and downed the remainder in one swift gulp before licking his lips.

"Thanks baby, I needed that," Adam smirked.

Brad swallowed hard, trying desperately not to react to Adam's closeness, and the action of his tongue. However, the tightening in his pants announced to him that he was failing miserably.

A concerned look flickered across Adam's face, as he picked up on Brad's internal struggle, unsure of the cause.

"C'mon sugar lips, this party sucks. Let's get outta here."

"I thought you were gonna be getting some action tonight," Brad smiled. Adam looked at Brad and grinned.

"What! Those boys, no, they just want to be able to say they fucked Adam Lambert, and you know I don't want to deal with that. I want to go before they come looking for me."

Brad laughed at Adam's reasoning and nodded.

"Cool. Come on, I’ll take you home," Adam said, before reaching behind Brad to place the empty bottle on the bar. As Adam leaned into him, Brad took a sharp breath, hoping Adam didn't feel his erection, and yet, at the same time, wishing for him to stay close as his senses were assaulted with Adam's smell and touch. Adam backed off and grabbed Brad's hand, pulling him towards the exit, apparently having not noticed at all.

 

___________________________________________

 

 

Outside the club the cold night air quickly chilled Brad, and he shivered. Behind him Adam called for his pickup before pocketing his cell. He frowned as Brad wrapped his arms around himself; seemingly as much to comfort himself as to keep himself warm. Adam knew Brad well enough to know that something was seriously wrong with Brad, but he wasn't sure what it was. He walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, frowning again when Brad jumped at the contact.

"Talk to me, Brad. What's wrong?"

Brad turned slightly towards Adam, taking in the concerned look on his face.

"It's nothing, girlfriend, I'm fine."

At that moment Adam’s ride came into the view, and Brad jumped in, trying to escape from further questioning. Adam got in as well, and sat across from his friend, who was picking at invisible lint on his slacks. The car started moving, and Adam stared out of the window at the passing scenery, unwilling to push his friend, knowing it would do no good.

Brad breathed a small sigh of relief when it seemed that Adam wasn't going to push him, and he rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. Adam looked at Brad's reflection in the window and sighed as well. He knew that something was wrong. He was sure of it. He tried to think back over the past few months. He had known that something had been bothering Brad for a long time. At first he had assumed that it had something to do with their awkward relationship after their breakup and decided they both needed some time to get over the fact that even though they were no longer a couple, they were still best friends. Then their private pictures had surfaced on the internet during the competition and Adam had concluded that Brad had been beating himself up for not being able to help Adam through those problems. But now, even though Idol was over and the media had stopped discussing and commenting on those pictures, and even though he was doing great in his career, Brad's depression had remained. Adam knew that his best friend was beating himself up over something, but had the distinct sense that all those problems could only be a part of it.

Adam turned and looked at his best friend. Brad was still leaning back in his seat, eyes closed, seemingly at rest, but the tightness of Brad's features and the way he held his body told Adam that Brad was anything but relaxed. Brad appeared to be okay, and waved people off whenever he was asked what was wrong, but Adam knew that boy. He knew him well enough to know that something was eating at him. He knew that Brad had always been hiding a part of himself from people, from almost anyone but Adam, so he felt like he should have been the first person to know what was wrong with Brad.

Adam smiled as he considered Brad's nature. He was a sweet, caring guy with a heart that was almost too big for his own good. He cared a little too much sometimes about everything, even the comments made in the press after those pictures surfacing. It seemed that he would brush off a compliment, yet he took any criticism to heart, caring too much about irrelevant reporters’ comments, even what Adam’s fans were saying on the internet about him and not focusing enough on what those close to him were saying. ‘Maybe that was it’, he thought. Yeah, maybe. There had been some talk recently; people had criticized Brad for refusing to discuss his personal life with the media. Some people had even accused Brad of being a gold digger, an attention whore, of being the one publishing those pictures to the public in the first place. Adam knew that one of the things most likely to hurt Brad was the implication that he was not a good friend. Adam had not known any of this until recently, and he had been so angry that he was ready to blast someone for even making the suggestion that Brad was after his money or his fame, at least, that was until Brad had come in and calmed him down. He had told him that it didn't matter; that as long as Adam knew that it wasn't true then it shouldn't matter and Adam had let it drop.

He smiled at this. Brad was the only one who could do that, could keep him level-headed. No one else had that effect on him. Others would just wind him up further, but Brad could calm him with a few soft words, sometimes even just a sympathetic look, and Adam would calm down. It was like they were two halves of the same coin, one balancing out the other.

Just then the car slowed to a stop, and a knock on the glass let them know that they had arrived. Brad jumped up and shot out of the car, as if trying to escape, and Adam watched his retreating back as he followed Brad.

With a hasty ‘goodbye’ and a wave over his shoulder, Brad walked inside his building.

___________________________________________

 

Brad's thoughts swam as he slumped against the back wall of the elevator on the way up to his apartment. He knew that it looked bad, him bolting like that, but he just couldn't stand it any longer. The whole way back in the car, Brad had been a mass of mixed emotions. He knew that Adam was worried about him, that he wanted to help, and that he was sad because he thought he was the cause. Brad smiled to himself at that. Adam was partly right in thinking that he was one of the reasons, but it was not the reason that he thought. The lift opened onto his floor, and Brad headed straight for his apartment, not wanting to deal with any of the neighbors at that moment.

He popped the key into the lock and turned the handle, opening the door. He slipped inside and closed the door, locking it behind him, before heading straight for the bedroom. He lay on his bed, breathing deeply, trying to regain his composure. The ride had been almost too much. In that confined space, Brad had felt surrounded by Adam. He could feel his presence, the weight of his stare, the smell of his cologne combined with his sweat. He could almost sense what Adam was thinking, and he knew Adam was worrying about him. All those things had built up inside of Brad, until he thought that he was going to explode. That was why he ran. He just couldn't take one more minute of that without breaking down and confessing to Adam that he still had feelings for him and that was the one thing that he just couldn't do. It's not that Adam would not understand, he would say he understood and that he admired Brad for being brave and honest about his feelings. He already knew that. It was just that he didn't want to ruin their friendship. He did not want to make things awkward between them, not after all their efforts to keep their friendship the way it was. Deep down Brad was simply petrified that Adam would turn away from him if he knew he was still in love with him, and so he wouldn't tell him. Better to still be in love from afar, he thought, than to risk losing Adam altogether.

In the silence of his room, Brad could hear a faint ding as the elevator door opened, and someone stepped out onto their floor. He instantly knew it was Adam. Ever since they met, Brad had always had the ability to sense Adam’s presence when he was around, even if out of his sight, so he knew Adam was somewhere outside his door. He listened as the soft footsteps came closer to his apartment. Suddenly they stopped, right outside his door, and he held his breath. He didn't think that he was composed enough to deal with Adam yet, and he was frightened that Adam would push him for answers that he wasn't willing to give.

Then he heard the footsteps move away, and a moment later the sound of the elevator door opening then closing. Brad let out the breath he was still holding in a long whoosh.

_Thank God Adam is so understanding!_

Brad knew that Adam would not push unless he really had to, and as long as Brad appeared to be doing okay, then he would respect Brad's right to privacy. Brad was determined to make an effort, and to make sure that Adam was not blaming himself for Brad's problems.

___________________________________________

 

Adam slumped down on his bed. Once Brad left him in such haste and with a barely audible goodbye, he knew he had to see Brad, to talk to him. He had wanted to go to Brad, to demand answers, and he had even gone after him, even to Brad’s floor, right outside Brad’s door but he just couldn't. He had stood outside Brad's apartment, hand raised, ready to knock, but he just couldn't make himself do it. He knew that unless Brad was willing to talk, it would only make things worse, and Brad seemed to have enough problems without fighting with Adam as well. No, Adam needed to support Brad through this... this, whatever it was, and make sure that he was the best friend to Brad that he had obviously failed to be recently.

Yet again Adam looked back on his past behavior with disdain; he had been too wrapped up in his own life, his own adventure during Idol to really notice the effect of his behavior on people around him. He couldn't believe what a complete bastard he had been to Brad after the photos incident. Adam shook his head. He had been so horrible to him. Brad had always been there for him, right from the start, and no matter what Adam said or did, he knew that Brad would always be there. Yet looking back on those days, he knew he had failed to be there for Brad the way he should have been. He knew how tough things had been for Brad and yet he was too busy with his own life and his own career that he had not cared enough about Brad. He couldn't believe that Brad hadn't turned his back on him. Hell, even he wouldn't have put up with that much shit.

That was just Brad, he was special. Adam sighed. Yeah, Brad was really special, and he deserved better than what he got. Brad was the sweetest, kindest, most lovable person he knew; yet even he, Brad’s ex and now supposedly his best friend, had dumped on him on more than one occasion. Reluctantly he decided that by laying there overanalyzing things he wasn't going to solve anything tonight, and he was going to have to leave it till morning. Maybe Danielle or Cassidy would know what the problem was, maybe all he needed was a good night’s sleep and everything would be better.... Maybe. He eventually drifted into a restless sleep, thinking of Brad.

___________________________________________

 

A ringing sound woke Brad, and he groaned as he rolled over in the bed, getting tangled in the sheets in the process, to answer the phone.

"Morning Mr.Cheeks. Brunch at the café in thirty minutes."

"Okay Cass," Brad answered, before hanging up the phone. He got up and headed into the shower, needing to wake himself up fully before he joined the others. He groaned again. He knew that the second that either Danielle or Cassidy got him alone, he would be questioned about last night, asked yet again if there was anything they could do to help. He knew it was inevitable. There was nothing he could do about it. He smiled, his friends were so predictable. They would fuss and worry over him, while Alan would goof off, attempting to take Brad's mind off things.

He got out of the shower, and dried himself before slipping into jeans and a T-shirt. No need to dress up. It was only brunch with the gang. He grabbed his keys as he left his apartment. He knew he would get to the café early, but he didn't see the need to postpone the inevitable. This way, maybe he could get the inquisition out of the way before brunch, and then they would leave him alone for the rest of the day.

Brad scanned the café and spotted Danielle and walked toward the table.

Danielle was in a deep conversation with Cassidy and looked up as Brad reached their table.

"Morning baby. How are you this morning?"

Brad looked at her and smiled, "Fine thanks, how about you, sleep well?"

This was small talk and they both knew it. Cassidy took a sip from his coffee and looked at Brad as he took a seat next to Danielle.

"Hey girlfriend. you're early."

"Aren't I always?" Brad replied.

"Usually, but you were out late last night, so I thought...," Cassidy trailed off. Brad smiled to himself.

'Here we go, so predictable.' He thought.

Danielle took Cassidy's cue, "So, we miss much last night?"

"Nope. We left about half hour after you did."

Danielle and Cassidy both looked at him.

"And..."

"And I think I worried Adam, he knows there is something wrong, but he doesn't know what."

Danielle and Cassidy looked at each other.

"So,you okay?" Danielle asked.

"I don't know," Brad thought about it for a moment, "I mean, he's worried about me, and he thinks it's his fault, so he's not going to settle until he knows what the problem is."

"So, tell him," Alan added, suddenly appearing from nowhere. Brad jumped and spun around, his hand on his chest.

"Jesus Al, give a boy a heart attack, won't ya?" Alan just smirked at Brad.

"Yeah, just be grateful it was me and not Adam that walked in," He said.

Alan plunked himself down next to Cassidy, and stole bacon from Danielle’s plate, "Hey. I was eating that," Danielle said, pretending to be annoyed.

"So," Alan replied, "The bacon will make you fat. Stick to your raw food," Danielle just rolled her eyes at Alan before drinking her orange juice. Things quickly degenerated into a discussion between Alan and Cassidy, which had all four in fits of laughter.

“Wait…you called Adam? He's going to be here?”

“Yes,” Danielle said, “I texted him and he said he would show up.”

Before Brad could say anything, the waitress appeared with their orders. Brad picked at his food, Alan's advice rolling around in the back of his head.

'I can't tell him,' He thought, 'It will ruin everything.'

"No it won’t. He might even still have feelings for you as well," Brad looked up at Cassidy, who was staring intently at him.

"I didn't think I spoke that out loud."

Cassidy smiled.

"You didn't have to. It's written all over your face."

"That obvious huh?"

Cassidy smiled softly.

"Only to someone who knows what's going on."

Brad tried to smile but failed. Cassidy reached over and rested his hand on Brad's.

"It'll be okay Brad, you'll get through this."

"Yeah, we'll get you through it, Cheeks."

Brad turned and looked at Alan and Danielle who had stopped arguing and were eating their food. Brad had not even realized they had stopped fighting. He smiled at them, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

He looked around the café, suddenly aware that there was someone missing, "Where's Adam?" He asked.

Danielle glanced at her watch.

"I don’t know, I told him what time brunch was, it's not like him to miss out on food."

Brad got up from the table.

"I am gonna go call him and see what he's doing. He probably fell asleep again."

"Brad,-" Cassidy started. Brad swung back around.

"Don't start, Cass. He is still my best friend, and I'm not going to start avoiding him just because things didn’t work for us. I am not going to let things get awkward between us. He already thinks he's upset me when he hasn't. I don't want him to blame himself anymore," With that he turned and walked out of the café.

Alan looked back at Cassidy, a wry smile on his lips

"Nice going, Cass."

Cassidy just glared at him before hanging his head. Brad had raised his voice; he never raised his voice, not unless he was really close to the edge. He looked at Danielle, a silent acknowledgment passing between them. They had better keep their heads up, one way or another this was all going to come to a head, and soon.

___________________________________________

 

Brad’s heart sank when Adam didn’t answer his phone. Suddenly he was having a bad feeling about last night’s events. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his heart. He had to see Adam. They needed to talk. So he headed towards Adam’s house.

He made his way slowly toward the gate. He was a little pissed at Cassidy. Although he knew that Cassidy was only trying to look out for him, he wished that sometimes he wasn't so damn overprotective. After all, he _was_ a grown man and he could look after himself. He reached Adam's gate, and stood there for a moment. He couldn't see anything, only Adam’s car, which meant he was probably home. He raised his hand a little hesitantly, and rang the bell and waited. There was no reply. He rang again. Still no answer.

Brad gave the gate a little push, and with a soft click the gate opened. Brad walked slowly inside. The front door was unlocked as well, which made Brad even more worried.

“Adam?”

Scared of what he might face, Brad’s eyes silently scanned the living room. He quickly found Adam. He was sitting on the sofa, facing the window, his head in his hands. He was up and dressed, but made no sign that he had heard Brad. As Brad stood there, he could see the slight shaking of Adam's shoulders, suggesting that he was crying. Brad shut the door behind him gently. A sudden sob from Adam shattered the silence of the room, and jolted Brad. Adam was really crying. Brad felt his heart drop. He couldn't stand to see Adam cry, he never could, so he quietly moved over to his friend and stood in front of him. He knelt down and put a hand on his knee.

"Honey?"

Adam jumped at the contact. He had been so caught up in his emotions that he hadn't even heard Brad come in. Now there he was in front of him watching him cry with the saddest look in his eyes.

It was, Adam thought, almost unreal; Brad's eyes seemed to reflect his own pain. It was almost as if Brad could feel it as well.

Adam took a deep breath and tried to calm himself before he spoke, "H-he said he can't stand me. That I'm no fun anymore."

Brad's heart dropped even further. Drake, he must have broken up with him. Brad sighed. He knew how much Adam had liked Drake, he had stuck with him through Idol, much to the others’ surprise, and now he was dumping him, right when things were starting to calm down a little and get into perspective in Adam’s world. Brad took Adam's hand in his own, and pulled him towards him, locking him in a tight embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Adam; I know how much he meant to you."

Adam wrapped his arms around Brad and held on for dear life. Brad seemed to be the only person capable of keeping him sane. He was there, he was real, and he cared. Adam was eternally grateful for that.

He slowly managed to tell Brad that he had been ready early, and so he had called Drake before brunch, and another man had answered his phone. When he had finally gotten on the line, Drake had told him that it was fun while it lasted, but that he was bored, that he had found himself someone who was more fun. Drake had denied that he had ever loved him, and told him that the excitement had worn off.

The more Adam told him, the worse Brad felt.

‘This must have been how he felt when he found out about me cheating on him,’ Brad thought, ‘God, Adam, how can you even stand being in the same room with me if this is even remotely close to what I did to you? I don’t deserve you, maybe I never did.’

He suddenly had an urge to be as far away from Adam as possible. He wanted to just show up at Drake’s apartment and kill him. He was not normally a violent person, but he could tell how torn up by all this Adam was, and it made his blood boil. But he wouldn't do that. Adam needed him to be there for him, to stay calm and rational. So he kept his own emotions to himself, something that he was quite adept at doing, and he stayed quiet, offering only love and support to Adam, something which he desperately needed.

Adam continued to hold onto Brad, he didn't want to let go. He was scared, so scared. His life had been thrown into turmoil yet again, just as it seemed he was getting his love life back together. It wasn't fair. He liked Drake, in his own way he really did and Drake had been using him the whole time. The shock and sorrow that he had felt had melted away, and now he just felt numb. It seemed like everyone who told him they loved him had left him. Even Brad had betrayed him, had left him and Adam hated that. He hated being used. It seemed that everyone wanted a piece of him, and they just kept taking and taking, until there was nothing of him left to take.

"Why can't anybody love me? Am I that unlovable? Why wasn’t I enough for you, Brad?” He sobbed, “Was it something I did?” Adam asked, burying his head in Brad's shoulder. Brad's heart ached for his love; it seemed Adam was at the end of his tether, his heart had been broken so many times. Even he had broken Adam’s heart and now he wasn't sure if he could ever fix it.

"No Adam, it was me, OK? It was all me. I was the stupid one, OK? Just…don't ever think about yourself like that. You are the most wonderful, lovable man that I know. Your heart is so big, so full of love and there is someone out there for you, I just know it," Brad looked into Adam's eyes; they were so full of pain, and it broke his heart.

_Someone better than me._

Adam couldn't say anything, he was feeling so lost and he was barely holding on. He could feel the steady beat of Brad's heart against his chest, but he could no longer feel his own, "You're wrong. Nobody loves me. They can't," He whimpered, “No one can, not even you.”

Brad took Adam's face in his hands. He had to make him see, "Adam, that's not true. You are loved. Your family loves you, your fans love you. I love..."

"It's not the same..." Adam interrupted, “Not anymore.”

"Adam, don't do this to yourself."

Adam pulled away from Brad and stood, wiping the tears from his face.

"Stop it Brad, stop trying to make it better. You can't. All I want is for someone to love me for me, but nobody does. Nobody can," He moved over to the dresser and grabbed his keys before leaving the room.

"I do," Brad whispered, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek, “I’m still in love with you.”  
Adam walked out of his house. His thoughts were still spinning, and he couldn't focus on anything. All he knew was that he felt like he was suffocating and he needed air. Only one word spun around in his head: 'Escape.'He needed to get out, to get away from Brad, away from his band, away from everything. He considered taking a walk, but he knew that he wouldn't get far without causing a riot. He missed that now, he missed the anonymity, the freedom to come and go as he pleased, and not be stopped for his autograph. He never thought he would actually miss his old life.

'But then again,' he thought, 'I would go crazy if I weren't up on stage every night. It's what I live for.'

Those things normally didn't bother him; he had accepted it as part of the price he had to pay for living out his dream. Normally he did not mind interacting with people, but right now it would have just been too much. He didn't think he could handle all the paparazzi, all those people, all those girls, crying and screaming his name. He just wanted to be left alone. He knew if he walked back inside, he had to face Brad and he just couldn’t, at least not yet. So, instead he walked to the back of the house and climbed up the ladder that reached the roof. Up there he could be outside, he could be free from the constant clamor for his attention and for his affection, and he could be alone so he could think.

As he reached to the roof, he inhaled a lungful of air and just held it for a moment, savoring its freshness. It had rained during the night, Adam had heard it and even now he could smell it in the air. He loved that smell, it was fresh, and it was clean. Adam glanced around to find a quiet spot to sit and think.

He sat down and looked over at the city view in front of him. He thought about all the people in that city and what they might be doing at that exact moment. Other people, normal people lived their lives to love and be loved by that special person. Adam was once one of those people. He once had that special person in his life, but not anymore. No, he didn't have that anymore. There was a time when he could not understand how people could be committed to someone else; how a simple phone call or a few brief words could cheer someone up no end, and then Brad had happened. Adam thought about those days. He remembered how they were both so blissfully happy, so secure in their love. He remembered how lucky he used to feel for having Brad in his life. He remembered how he used to think he had found his soul mate in Brad, and for the first time since their breakup, Adam truthfully stared down at the abyss that his life would possibly be without love, without Brad in it. When it came down to it, all the fame and the fortune meant nothing, because at the end of the day he would go back to an empty house. He needed someone to love him, someone to make him complete. Someone who was there for him through everything, and returned the love that he gave to them. Brad's words from earlier rolled around in his head.

_'There is someone out there for you, I just know it.'_

Adam shook his head. He once had all that in his life and it was all gone now. How could Brad be so sure that somewhere was out there for him when some people went through their whole lives without finding that special person? Maybe he was destined to be one of them. Maybe his short-lived happiness with Brad had only happened to warm and lighten his dull lonely days for the rest of his life.

Back inside the house, Brad was still sitting on the sofa. He was emotionally drained and he felt numb. He didn't know what to feel. He loved Adam so much, but Adam seemed oblivious to it. It seemed like his infidelity had marked Adam for life, and now Adam was threatening to turn away from love completely. Brad hung his head. He had failed him. He had been unable to stop Adam from doing something that was going to destroy him and he knew it.

He knew that everybody needed love and that if Adam pulled away from it, if he allowed himself to become starved of love, he would die. Not physically, but emotionally, as his spirit and all the things that Brad loved about Adam would not survive, and Brad could almost feel his own heart dying right along with it.

Brad jumped as he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled the phone out and answered.

“Hello?”

"Brad?" Cassidy asked softly from the other side, "Brad? What happened? Are you there?" Cassidy said again when Brad remained silent.

“He is gone.”

“What? Who?

"Adam. He's giving up," Brad whispered.

"What do you mean? Giving what up? Singing?" Brad stood up and headed for the door.

"No, he's giving up on love."

___________________________________________

 

Cassidy shut his phone off and walked back to their table. Danielle and Alan were chatting as they drank their coffee. They both registered the panicked look on Cassidy's face and knew something was wrong.

"Cass?" Danielle questioned as she put her cup down.

"What's wrong?" Alan asked as Cassidy sat down and took a deep breath.

"We've got a problem. But I have no idea what it is."

"Huh?"

"What?" Came the confused replies.

Cassidy held up his hands before trying to explain what little he knew.

"Look, I don't know what's happened. I called Brad. He sounded like, I don't know, like...," He paused, trying to find a way to describe what he had heard, "Do you remember how Brad was like when he and Adam broke up? How he sounded?" Alan and Danielle both nodded. Brad had been devastated for a long time, and it had taken him some time to get back to something even remotely resembling normal.

"His voice…he just… he sounded depressed, lifeless," The other two were silent. Cassidy was right. It was bad. Danielle looked up.

"But where's Adam?"

Cassidy shook his head, "I don't know. All Brad said was that Adam is gone and that he was giving up."

"What? His career?" Alan asked.

"No, not singing. Love. He's giving up on love."

"Jesus," Alan breathed, "What the fuck happened?" Danielle shook her head.

"I don't know. And where's Adam?"

They looked at each other, none of them sure what to do. Alan and Cassidy then both turned their attention to Danielle, as if waiting for her to come up with an answer.

Danielle took a deep breath and tried to slow down her thoughts. Everything was spiralling out of control. They needed to know what had happened before they could do anything. They needed to know what happened between Brad and Adam. Adam, where was Adam? Okay, first things first.

“I’m going to Adam’s.”

___________________________________________

 

 Danielle drove to Adam’s house in silence. She was at a loss. She knew how badly Adam was hurting. Although Adam and Brad were best friends, it was Danielle that Adam would turn to with his emotional issues. Although he had been wary of Danielle at first, eventually Danielle had managed to break down some of Adam's barriers, and get him to talk. She knew Adam almost as well, if not better, at least in some ways, than Brad did.

"If you know him so well, then where would he go?" Danielle spoke to herself. She thought about it for a minute before the answer suddenly came to her. As soon as she arrived at Adam’s and past the security gate, she jumped out the car and ran to the door and up the stairs.

Danielle bounded up the stairs to the roof, and came to a dead stop just before the door. She took a deep breath. If Adam was up there, she needed to take this carefully, and she couldn't afford to lose her calm. She opened the door slowly, and peered out onto the roof. At first she saw nothing, but as her eyes swept over the empty roof, she could see the unmistakable figure of Adam, sitting on the ground, staring out over the city, his knees bent up to his chest with his head laying on top of them. Danielle sighed. At least she had found him.

She silently closed the door again, so she couldn't be seen, before pulling out her cell phone, "Cassidy, I've found Adam," On the other end of the phone she could hear Cassidy sigh with relief.

"Where?" Cassidy asked.

"He's up on the roof," Danielle paused, "Look, I'm going to talk to him, see if I can find out what's wrong. Why don't you go find Brad and see how he is. Just…keep an eye on him, OK?"

"Do you want me to try and talk to him?" Cassidy asked. Danielle thought for a moment.

"No, hold off for a few Cass, let's see what I can get out of Adam first, then maybe we can make some more sense out of this mess they've got themselves into."

Cassidy chuckled lightly, "You know, I think we should bang their heads together, maybe that will sort them out."

Danielle laughed out loud at that, "Only as a last resort. Bye Cass."

"Good luck Danny."

Danielle chuckled as she turned off her phone and put it in her pocket.

'Great minds really do think alike,' she thought.

Danielle's mood sobered quickly as she stepped out onto the roof. Adam hadn't moved, and still had his back to Danielle so he didn't see her approach. A hot breath of air whipped across the open space, hitting Danielle across the face.

'Adam must have sunstroke,' she thought as she stepped closer. Danielle reached Adam's side, and sat a couple of feet away. She knew from experience that she couldn't force this so she sat close enough that Adam felt her support, but not so close as to invade his personal space, and the barriers he had built around himself.

Adam stiffened as he felt someone's presence. He didn't want anybody to be there, he didn't want to talk about things. He just wanted to be left alone. He could no longer feel anything but the sun against his skin, the heat had made him queasy, but it hadn't fully registered in his mind. Deep down, he was nauseous from the emotional rollercoaster he had been on lately, and he still wasn't thinking clearly enough to register that his body was practically as frozen as his heart.

Danielle just sat there, waiting. Adam knew that Danielle wasn't going to move until he talked but he didn't want to. So he tried to get rid of her. Without turning to look at her he said, "I'm okay D., it's nothing."

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Danielle give him a patient look, one that his mother used when she was thinking that he didn't know what was best for him and she did. He hated that look. Danielle wasn't his mother; she should just butt out.

"It can't be ‘nothing’ or else you and Brad wouldn't be in this state."

Adam momentarily wondered what she meant by that, but he didn't want to think about it. He just wanted Danielle gone. He decided the only way was to tell her some of the story. Hell it didn't matter, Brad would just tell them anyway. For a brief moment he wondered why Brad hadn't already because it was clear that Danielle had no clue what was wrong.

'Think about that later,' he thought, 'Right now just get rid of her, you don't want Danielle around. She'll get too close.'

"You were right about Drake."

Danielle threw him a confused look, "Right about what?"

"He's a jerk."

That explained a lot to Danielle. Whatever was wrong with Adam had something to do with Drake, and she could make a pretty good guess at what had happened there.

"I'm sorry. I know how much you cared about him."

Danielle reached out to put her hand on Adam's arm. Adam flinched at the contact and pulled quickly away, jumping up and away from her.

"I don't care. I don't. Not anymore."

Danielle got up, worried by Adam's cold, calm tone.

"He can rot in hell for all I care, but I've had it. I've had enough."

Danielle was about to ask what he meant by enough, until Adam turned and looked at her. Suddenly it became all too clear what he meant. Adam turned around, and Danielle found herself staring into two deep dark-blue eyes. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and with Adam that was especially true. His eyes, normally so bright, were dark and dull. In that moment, Danielle knew what Brad had meant when he said that Adam had given up on love. Danielle could feel her breath catch. Adam had been hurt too many times, and now he had closed his heart, unwilling to allow himself to be hurt again. Danielle knew deep down that the only person who could change his mind and could make him believe in love again was Brad. But after hearing Cassidy's description of Brad's state of mind, she didn't know if Brad was going to be strong enough.

"Danielle, just leave me alone, okay? I'll be fine. I just need some time on my own."

Danielle sighed. She knew that being alone was the last thing Adam needed right now. What he really needed was all his friends around him showing him how much they loved him so that they could break down those barriers that Adam had put up. But Adam wasn't about to let that happen.

"Okay honey. Because I care for you so much I'll promise to leave you alone, but only if you come back inside. It's hot out here. You’re going to be sick if you sit here any longer."

Adam looked at Danielle. She was like a sister he had never had. He could see the concern and compassion in her eyes, but he ignored it, he didn't want anybody to feel sorry for him. He was going to be happier this way. Nothing could hurt him now. A sudden gust of hot air blew across the roof, hitting him right across the face, and for the first time, Adam realized that Danielle was right, it was hot. Giving in, he moved towards the door with Danielle following him, and they walked downstairs in silence.

 

 ___________________________________________

 

Once he made sure Adam was going to be OK, Danielle headed to Cassidy’s place and knocked softly. The door opened, and Alan let him in. Danielle entered the condo, and closed the door behind her, before heading over to the sofa with the others. "Any luck?" Cassidy asked softly. Danielle sighed.

"Adam wants to be alone."

"That's not good," Alan replied.

"You’re telling me."

"So, what happened?" Alan asked, impatient for answers.

"Sounds like Drake broke up with him. And from Adam's reaction, it wasn't a very amicable break up."

"That explains a lot. That asshole, I knew he'd do this to him," Cassidy said angrily.

"Yeah, but I thought he'd have done it by now," Danielle replied.

"So, how's he taking it?" Alan asked.

"Not good. I think Brad's right. He's shutting himself off from everything and everyone."

"We can't let him do that."

"I know Cass, but what do you suggest?"

Cassidy sighed heavily, "I have no fucking clue," He looked up at the others, "Goddamn it, just when things were getting better for both of them. They both seemed to be doing OK."

"I don't know, man, it sure seems like it though. And Brad's taking this almost as hard as Adam," Alan said, "The big question is: what do we do now?"

Danielle looked at the others, a resigned look on her face.

"To be honest, I don't think there's much that _we_ can do," She held her hands up to stop their protests, "I didn't say we wouldn't try. It's just that we can't help if Adam won't let _us_ ," She gestured to the three of them. She could almost see the light bulbs click on over the others’ heads. Alan looked at her, a wry smile on his face, "Brad. He always listens to Brad."

Danielle nodded. Cassidy looked uncertain, "But Brad's in almost as bad a state as Adam is. He can't help Adam right now, he needs help himself."

Alan looked at him as if Cassidy were stupid, "Well duh, we know that," he began, "But Brad won't turn us away."

Danielle filled Cassidy in, "We help Brad, and he helps Adam, and with any luck, those two will find a way back to each other."

Cassidy grinned, finally getting it, "Ohhh, cool, so who gets to talk to Brad?" He asked. The other two turned and looked at him as if he really was stupid.

'Ohh,' he thought. 'Lucky me.'  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.

Brad ran his finger around the edge of his glass and sighed. He didn't want to be there, but Adam had insisted that he came, and Brad had eventually given in. Now there he was, alone in a sea of people. He looked around. Cass and Danielle sat at a table, looking almost as bored as he felt. Tommy was on the dance floor, grinding away with a redhead. He saw Brad looking and shot him a grin.

‘Well, at least someone is enjoying himself', Brad thought before turning to look for his best friend.

Brad heard a familiar cackle, and looked up to see Adam flirting wildly with a couple of boys who were glowing with the attention.

'Make that two' Brad sighed again as he watched Adam pull two boys onto the dance floor and begin grinding with them. He looked good; he was in the tightest pair of leather pants Brad had ever seen. The pants fit him like a second skin, and that made Brad wonder if Adam was wearing anything under them. He concluded that he probably wasn't and Brad shifted uncomfortably as he felt his groin begin to react.

He stared as Adam moved his body to the music. He looked absolutely great, fuckable. Brad shook images of the past out of his head. That was all in the past. Now, Adam was just his friend, his best friend. Brad smiled to himself. Adam was finally happy. His life was finally going in the direction he had always wanted it to go. He was almost back to the person Brad had known before. Before Brad had cheated on him, before he had betrayed his trust, before he had trampled all over his heart. Adam was much better now, and Brad was grateful for that, even if that meant he could not have much of a role in Adam’s life anymore. Adam was happy and that was enough. Suddenly Brad realized as he stood transfixed by his friend dancing, that he was still just as much in love with his best friend, if not more so, than he had ever been.

___________________________________________

Snapping out of his reverie, Brad downed the rest of his drink and went in search of the bar, needing to get away from Adam before he walked over there, spun him around and kissed him. He knew better than that. Had more self-control, something he had developed after months of struggling with the temptation of calling Adam in the middle of the night, of showing up at Adam’s door and begging him to take him back. He had told himself a million times that he had been stupid enough to ruin everything between them and he couldn’t afford to have those feelings for Adam anymore. He had tried to convince himself that he had to come to terms with the fact that he and Adam were over for good, and that he should find somebody else. He had tried, he really had, but every relationship had been doomed from the start because none of them were Adam.

Suddenly he was clapped on the back, and he jumped.

"Jumpy much?" Danielle asked as she slipped onto the stool next to her friend.

"Sorry," Brad replied, looking over at her. Danielle frowned at the look in Brad's eyes, recognizing it instantly. Brad gave her a half smile and picked up the shot glass in front of him, downing it, grimacing as the liquid burnt its’ way down his throat.

"You okay?" Danielle asked. Brad looked at her but his attention was drawn to Adam, who was visible over Danielle's shoulder. Danielle realized Brad wasn't looking at her and turned to see what had caught his attention. Seeing Adam, Danielle sighed, and turned back to Brad.

"Don't torture yourself."

Brad looked back at his friend and smiled ruefully.

"Can't help it."

Danielle shook her head sadly. She knew she couldn't fix Brad's problem, that she would have to continue to stand by and watch as he tortured himself with an unreciprocated love, only able to offer support, and a shoulder to cry on when it all became too much to bear.

Danielle turned and focused on the dance floor, easily spotting Adam in the crowd. Brad had become more and more withdrawn recently and spent too much time lost in his own thoughts. Danielle, Alan and Cassidy had noticed and discussed it privately, aware of Brad's feelings, but unable to find a resolution. She turned back to Brad, who was still staring at Adam.

"You wanna blow this party and go home?" Brad looked at her and shrugged. He knew Danielle was trying to help him, but he also knew he was a hopeless case.

"No, I'm gonna stick around for a bit," He glanced over to the exit, spotting two familiar figures there.

"It looks like Cassidy and Alan are ready to leave as well. Why don't you go back with them?" Danielle eyed him warily.

"Look Danny, I'll be okay, I swear. I've managed to handle it for all these months, I can handle it for one more night, okay?" Danielle stood up reluctantly and moved away from the bar.

"Okay sweetheart, but if you need me you know where I am."

"Thanks D."

Danielle just nodded and smiled before disappearing into the crowd to catch up with Cassidy and Alan.

___________________________________________

 

Danielle reached her friends and as they got into Cassidy’s car they turned to look at her with a question in their eyes. Danielle shrugged and shook her head, "He wanted to stay."

Cassidy shook his head in disbelief, "I wish we could do something. He's getting worse every day."

Alan spoke up as well, "I know, Cass. At first I thought it was only natural for him to cling to the last shreds of their relationship, but it’s been months since their breakup. Brad still shows no sign of snapping out of it and I'm starting to get worried."

"Starting?" Danielle said, "I've been worried about this for months, ever since it became obvious that Brad was still truly in love with Adam."

Cassidy nodded in agreement, "I know Danny, but what can we do? We've tried everything, including setting him up with people and yet he keeps coming back to Adam. I guess we've done all we can do to help. Maybe we just have to keep supporting him and let things work out for themselves."

They looked at each other, knowing deep down that really, it was all they could do. They spent the remainder of the trip in silence, all trying to find another solution to their friend’s problem.

___________________________________________

 

Back at the club, Brad turned back to the bar and ordered a bottle of water; he didn't feel like getting drunk. He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a swig. He continued to stare at the people on the dance floor, looking but not really seeing, as he became lost in his own thoughts once again. He didn't see Adam approach him, nor did he react, until he felt the bottle he had been holding being removed from his hand. He suddenly realized that Adam was standing in front of him, and watched as he lifted Brad's drink to his lips and downed the remainder in one swift gulp before licking his lips.

"Thanks baby, I needed that," Adam smirked.

Brad swallowed hard, trying desperately not to react to Adam's closeness, and the action of his tongue. However, the tightening in his pants announced to him that he was failing miserably.

A concerned look flickered across Adam's face, as he picked up on Brad's internal struggle, unsure of the cause.

"C'mon sugar lips, this party sucks. Let's get outta here."

"I thought you were gonna be getting some action tonight," Brad smiled. Adam looked at Brad and grinned.

"What! Those boys, no, they just want to be able to say they fucked Adam Lambert, and you know I don't want to deal with that. I want to go before they come looking for me."

Brad laughed at Adam's reasoning and nodded.

"Cool. Come on, I’ll take you home," Adam said, before reaching behind Brad to place the empty bottle on the bar. As Adam leaned into him, Brad took a sharp breath, hoping Adam didn't feel his erection, and yet, at the same time, wishing for him to stay close as his senses were assaulted with Adam's smell and touch. Adam backed off and grabbed Brad's hand, pulling him towards the exit, apparently having not noticed at all.

 

___________________________________________

 

 

Outside the club the cold night air quickly chilled Brad, and he shivered. Behind him Adam called for his pickup before pocketing his cell. He frowned as Brad wrapped his arms around himself; seemingly as much to comfort himself as to keep himself warm. Adam knew Brad well enough to know that something was seriously wrong with Brad, but he wasn't sure what it was. He walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, frowning again when Brad jumped at the contact.

"Talk to me, Brad. What's wrong?"

Brad turned slightly towards Adam, taking in the concerned look on his face.

"It's nothing, girlfriend, I'm fine."

At that moment Adam’s ride came into the view, and Brad jumped in, trying to escape from further questioning. Adam got in as well, and sat across from his friend, who was picking at invisible lint on his slacks. The car started moving, and Adam stared out of the window at the passing scenery, unwilling to push his friend, knowing it would do no good.

Brad breathed a small sigh of relief when it seemed that Adam wasn't going to push him, and he rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. Adam looked at Brad's reflection in the window and sighed as well. He knew that something was wrong. He was sure of it. He tried to think back over the past few months. He had known that something had been bothering Brad for a long time. At first he had assumed that it had something to do with their awkward relationship after their breakup and decided they both needed some time to get over the fact that even though they were no longer a couple, they were still best friends. Then their private pictures had surfaced on the internet during the competition and Adam had concluded that Brad had been beating himself up for not being able to help Adam through those problems. But now, even though Idol was over and the media had stopped discussing and commenting on those pictures, and even though he was doing great in his career, Brad's depression had remained. Adam knew that his best friend was beating himself up over something, but had the distinct sense that all those problems could only be a part of it.

Adam turned and looked at his best friend. Brad was still leaning back in his seat, eyes closed, seemingly at rest, but the tightness of Brad's features and the way he held his body told Adam that Brad was anything but relaxed. Brad appeared to be okay, and waved people off whenever he was asked what was wrong, but Adam knew that boy. He knew him well enough to know that something was eating at him. He knew that Brad had always been hiding a part of himself from people, from almost anyone but Adam, so he felt like he should have been the first person to know what was wrong with Brad.

Adam smiled as he considered Brad's nature. He was a sweet, caring guy with a heart that was almost too big for his own good. He cared a little too much sometimes about everything, even the comments made in the press after those pictures surfacing. It seemed that he would brush off a compliment, yet he took any criticism to heart, caring too much about irrelevant reporters’ comments, even what Adam’s fans were saying on the internet about him and not focusing enough on what those close to him were saying. ‘Maybe that was it’, he thought. Yeah, maybe. There had been some talk recently; people had criticized Brad for refusing to discuss his personal life with the media. Some people had even accused Brad of being a gold digger, an attention whore, of being the one publishing those pictures to the public in the first place. Adam knew that one of the things most likely to hurt Brad was the implication that he was not a good friend. Adam had not known any of this until recently, and he had been so angry that he was ready to blast someone for even making the suggestion that Brad was after his money or his fame, at least, that was until Brad had come in and calmed him down. He had told him that it didn't matter; that as long as Adam knew that it wasn't true then it shouldn't matter and Adam had let it drop.

He smiled at this. Brad was the only one who could do that, could keep him level-headed. No one else had that effect on him. Others would just wind him up further, but Brad could calm him with a few soft words, sometimes even just a sympathetic look, and Adam would calm down. It was like they were two halves of the same coin, one balancing out the other.

Just then the car slowed to a stop, and a knock on the glass let them know that they had arrived. Brad jumped up and shot out of the car, as if trying to escape, and Adam watched his retreating back as he followed Brad.

With a hasty ‘goodbye’ and a wave over his shoulder, Brad walked inside his building.

___________________________________________

 

Brad's thoughts swam as he slumped against the back wall of the elevator on the way up to his apartment. He knew that it looked bad, him bolting like that, but he just couldn't stand it any longer. The whole way back in the car, Brad had been a mass of mixed emotions. He knew that Adam was worried about him, that he wanted to help, and that he was sad because he thought he was the cause. Brad smiled to himself at that. Adam was partly right in thinking that he was one of the reasons, but it was not the reason that he thought. The lift opened onto his floor, and Brad headed straight for his apartment, not wanting to deal with any of the neighbors at that moment.

He popped the key into the lock and turned the handle, opening the door. He slipped inside and closed the door, locking it behind him, before heading straight for the bedroom. He lay on his bed, breathing deeply, trying to regain his composure. The ride had been almost too much. In that confined space, Brad had felt surrounded by Adam. He could feel his presence, the weight of his stare, the smell of his cologne combined with his sweat. He could almost sense what Adam was thinking, and he knew Adam was worrying about him. All those things had built up inside of Brad, until he thought that he was going to explode. That was why he ran. He just couldn't take one more minute of that without breaking down and confessing to Adam that he still had feelings for him and that was the one thing that he just couldn't do. It's not that Adam would not understand, he would say he understood and that he admired Brad for being brave and honest about his feelings. He already knew that. It was just that he didn't want to ruin their friendship. He did not want to make things awkward between them, not after all their efforts to keep their friendship the way it was. Deep down Brad was simply petrified that Adam would turn away from him if he knew he was still in love with him, and so he wouldn't tell him. Better to still be in love from afar, he thought, than to risk losing Adam altogether.

In the silence of his room, Brad could hear a faint ding as the elevator door opened, and someone stepped out onto their floor. He instantly knew it was Adam. Ever since they met, Brad had always had the ability to sense Adam’s presence when he was around, even if out of his sight, so he knew Adam was somewhere outside his door. He listened as the soft footsteps came closer to his apartment. Suddenly they stopped, right outside his door, and he held his breath. He didn't think that he was composed enough to deal with Adam yet, and he was frightened that Adam would push him for answers that he wasn't willing to give.

Then he heard the footsteps move away, and a moment later the sound of the elevator door opening then closing. Brad let out the breath he was still holding in a long whoosh.

_Thank God Adam is so understanding!_

Brad knew that Adam would not push unless he really had to, and as long as Brad appeared to be doing okay, then he would respect Brad's right to privacy. Brad was determined to make an effort, and to make sure that Adam was not blaming himself for Brad's problems.

___________________________________________

 

Adam slumped down on his bed. Once Brad left him in such haste and with a barely audible goodbye, he knew he had to see Brad, to talk to him. He had wanted to go to Brad, to demand answers, and he had even gone after him, even to Brad’s floor, right outside Brad’s door but he just couldn't. He had stood outside Brad's apartment, hand raised, ready to knock, but he just couldn't make himself do it. He knew that unless Brad was willing to talk, it would only make things worse, and Brad seemed to have enough problems without fighting with Adam as well. No, Adam needed to support Brad through this... this, whatever it was, and make sure that he was the best friend to Brad that he had obviously failed to be recently.

Yet again Adam looked back on his past behavior with disdain; he had been too wrapped up in his own life, his own adventure during Idol to really notice the effect of his behavior on people around him. He couldn't believe what a complete bastard he had been to Brad after the photos incident. Adam shook his head. He had been so horrible to him. Brad had always been there for him, right from the start, and no matter what Adam said or did, he knew that Brad would always be there. Yet looking back on those days, he knew he had failed to be there for Brad the way he should have been. He knew how tough things had been for Brad and yet he was too busy with his own life and his own career that he had not cared enough about Brad. He couldn't believe that Brad hadn't turned his back on him. Hell, even he wouldn't have put up with that much shit.

That was just Brad, he was special. Adam sighed. Yeah, Brad was really special, and he deserved better than what he got. Brad was the sweetest, kindest, most lovable person he knew; yet even he, Brad’s ex and now supposedly his best friend, had dumped on him on more than one occasion. Reluctantly he decided that by laying there overanalyzing things he wasn't going to solve anything tonight, and he was going to have to leave it till morning. Maybe Danielle or Cassidy would know what the problem was, maybe all he needed was a good night’s sleep and everything would be better.... Maybe. He eventually drifted into a restless sleep, thinking of Brad.

___________________________________________

 

A ringing sound woke Brad, and he groaned as he rolled over in the bed, getting tangled in the sheets in the process, to answer the phone.

"Morning Mr.Cheeks. Brunch at the café in thirty minutes."

"Okay Cass," Brad answered, before hanging up the phone. He got up and headed into the shower, needing to wake himself up fully before he joined the others. He groaned again. He knew that the second that either Danielle or Cassidy got him alone, he would be questioned about last night, asked yet again if there was anything they could do to help. He knew it was inevitable. There was nothing he could do about it. He smiled, his friends were so predictable. They would fuss and worry over him, while Alan would goof off, attempting to take Brad's mind off things.

He got out of the shower, and dried himself before slipping into jeans and a T-shirt. No need to dress up. It was only brunch with the gang. He grabbed his keys as he left his apartment. He knew he would get to the café early, but he didn't see the need to postpone the inevitable. This way, maybe he could get the inquisition out of the way before brunch, and then they would leave him alone for the rest of the day.

Brad scanned the café and spotted Danielle and walked toward the table.

Danielle was in a deep conversation with Cassidy and looked up as Brad reached their table.

"Morning baby. How are you this morning?"

Brad looked at her and smiled, "Fine thanks, how about you, sleep well?"

This was small talk and they both knew it. Cassidy took a sip from his coffee and looked at Brad as he took a seat next to Danielle.

"Hey girlfriend. you're early."

"Aren't I always?" Brad replied.

"Usually, but you were out late last night, so I thought...," Cassidy trailed off. Brad smiled to himself.

'Here we go, so predictable.' He thought.

Danielle took Cassidy's cue, "So, we miss much last night?"

"Nope. We left about half hour after you did."

Danielle and Cassidy both looked at him.

"And..."

"And I think I worried Adam, he knows there is something wrong, but he doesn't know what."

Danielle and Cassidy looked at each other.

"So,you okay?" Danielle asked.

"I don't know," Brad thought about it for a moment, "I mean, he's worried about me, and he thinks it's his fault, so he's not going to settle until he knows what the problem is."

"So, tell him," Alan added, suddenly appearing from nowhere. Brad jumped and spun around, his hand on his chest.

"Jesus Al, give a boy a heart attack, won't ya?" Alan just smirked at Brad.

"Yeah, just be grateful it was me and not Adam that walked in," He said.

Alan plunked himself down next to Cassidy, and stole bacon from Danielle’s plate, "Hey. I was eating that," Danielle said, pretending to be annoyed.

"So," Alan replied, "The bacon will make you fat. Stick to your raw food," Danielle just rolled her eyes at Alan before drinking her orange juice. Things quickly degenerated into a discussion between Alan and Cassidy, which had all four in fits of laughter.

“Wait…you called Adam? He's going to be here?”

“Yes,” Danielle said, “I texted him and he said he would show up.”

Before Brad could say anything, the waitress appeared with their orders. Brad picked at his food, Alan's advice rolling around in the back of his head.

'I can't tell him,' He thought, 'It will ruin everything.'

"No it won’t. He might even still have feelings for you as well," Brad looked up at Cassidy, who was staring intently at him.

"I didn't think I spoke that out loud."

Cassidy smiled.

"You didn't have to. It's written all over your face."

"That obvious huh?"

Cassidy smiled softly.

"Only to someone who knows what's going on."

Brad tried to smile but failed. Cassidy reached over and rested his hand on Brad's.

"It'll be okay Brad, you'll get through this."

"Yeah, we'll get you through it, Cheeks."

Brad turned and looked at Alan and Danielle who had stopped arguing and were eating their food. Brad had not even realized they had stopped fighting. He smiled at them, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

He looked around the café, suddenly aware that there was someone missing, "Where's Adam?" He asked.

Danielle glanced at her watch.

"I don’t know, I told him what time brunch was, it's not like him to miss out on food."

Brad got up from the table.

"I am gonna go call him and see what he's doing. He probably fell asleep again."

"Brad,-" Cassidy started. Brad swung back around.

"Don't start, Cass. He is still my best friend, and I'm not going to start avoiding him just because things didn’t work for us. I am not going to let things get awkward between us. He already thinks he's upset me when he hasn't. I don't want him to blame himself anymore," With that he turned and walked out of the café.

Alan looked back at Cassidy, a wry smile on his lips

"Nice going, Cass."

Cassidy just glared at him before hanging his head. Brad had raised his voice; he never raised his voice, not unless he was really close to the edge. He looked at Danielle, a silent acknowledgment passing between them. They had better keep their heads up, one way or another this was all going to come to a head, and soon.

___________________________________________

 

Brad’s heart sank when Adam didn’t answer his phone. Suddenly he was having a bad feeling about last night’s events. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his heart. He had to see Adam. They needed to talk. So he headed towards Adam’s house.

He made his way slowly toward the gate. He was a little pissed at Cassidy. Although he knew that Cassidy was only trying to look out for him, he wished that sometimes he wasn't so damn overprotective. After all, he _was_ a grown man and he could look after himself. He reached Adam's gate, and stood there for a moment. He couldn't see anything, only Adam’s car, which meant he was probably home. He raised his hand a little hesitantly, and rang the bell and waited. There was no reply. He rang again. Still no answer.

Brad gave the gate a little push, and with a soft click the gate opened. Brad walked slowly inside. The front door was unlocked as well, which made Brad even more worried.

“Adam?”

Scared of what he might face, Brad’s eyes silently scanned the living room. He quickly found Adam. He was sitting on the sofa, facing the window, his head in his hands. He was up and dressed, but made no sign that he had heard Brad. As Brad stood there, he could see the slight shaking of Adam's shoulders, suggesting that he was crying. Brad shut the door behind him gently. A sudden sob from Adam shattered the silence of the room, and jolted Brad. Adam was really crying. Brad felt his heart drop. He couldn't stand to see Adam cry, he never could, so he quietly moved over to his friend and stood in front of him. He knelt down and put a hand on his knee.

"Honey?"

Adam jumped at the contact. He had been so caught up in his emotions that he hadn't even heard Brad come in. Now there he was in front of him watching him cry with the saddest look in his eyes.

It was, Adam thought, almost unreal; Brad's eyes seemed to reflect his own pain. It was almost as if Brad could feel it as well.

Adam took a deep breath and tried to calm himself before he spoke, "H-he said he can't stand me. That I'm no fun anymore."

Brad's heart dropped even further. Drake, he must have broken up with him. Brad sighed. He knew how much Adam had liked Drake, he had stuck with him through Idol, much to the others’ surprise, and now he was dumping him, right when things were starting to calm down a little and get into perspective in Adam’s world. Brad took Adam's hand in his own, and pulled him towards him, locking him in a tight embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Adam; I know how much he meant to you."

Adam wrapped his arms around Brad and held on for dear life. Brad seemed to be the only person capable of keeping him sane. He was there, he was real, and he cared. Adam was eternally grateful for that.

He slowly managed to tell Brad that he had been ready early, and so he had called Drake before brunch, and another man had answered his phone. When he had finally gotten on the line, Drake had told him that it was fun while it lasted, but that he was bored, that he had found himself someone who was more fun. Drake had denied that he had ever loved him, and told him that the excitement had worn off.

The more Adam told him, the worse Brad felt.

‘This must have been how he felt when he found out about me cheating on him,’ Brad thought, ‘God, Adam, how can you even stand being in the same room with me if this is even remotely close to what I did to you? I don’t deserve you, maybe I never did.’

He suddenly had an urge to be as far away from Adam as possible. He wanted to just show up at Drake’s apartment and kill him. He was not normally a violent person, but he could tell how torn up by all this Adam was, and it made his blood boil. But he wouldn't do that. Adam needed him to be there for him, to stay calm and rational. So he kept his own emotions to himself, something that he was quite adept at doing, and he stayed quiet, offering only love and support to Adam, something which he desperately needed.

Adam continued to hold onto Brad, he didn't want to let go. He was scared, so scared. His life had been thrown into turmoil yet again, just as it seemed he was getting his love life back together. It wasn't fair. He liked Drake, in his own way he really did and Drake had been using him the whole time. The shock and sorrow that he had felt had melted away, and now he just felt numb. It seemed like everyone who told him they loved him had left him. Even Brad had betrayed him, had left him and Adam hated that. He hated being used. It seemed that everyone wanted a piece of him, and they just kept taking and taking, until there was nothing of him left to take.

"Why can't anybody love me? Am I that unlovable? Why wasn’t I enough for you, Brad?” He sobbed, “Was it something I did?” Adam asked, burying his head in Brad's shoulder. Brad's heart ached for his love; it seemed Adam was at the end of his tether, his heart had been broken so many times. Even he had broken Adam’s heart and now he wasn't sure if he could ever fix it.

"No Adam, it was me, OK? It was all me. I was the stupid one, OK? Just…don't ever think about yourself like that. You are the most wonderful, lovable man that I know. Your heart is so big, so full of love and there is someone out there for you, I just know it," Brad looked into Adam's eyes; they were so full of pain, and it broke his heart.

_Someone better than me._

Adam couldn't say anything, he was feeling so lost and he was barely holding on. He could feel the steady beat of Brad's heart against his chest, but he could no longer feel his own, "You're wrong. Nobody loves me. They can't," He whimpered, “No one can, not even you.”

Brad took Adam's face in his hands. He had to make him see, "Adam, that's not true. You are loved. Your family loves you, your fans love you. I love..."

"It's not the same..." Adam interrupted, “Not anymore.”

"Adam, don't do this to yourself."

Adam pulled away from Brad and stood, wiping the tears from his face.

"Stop it Brad, stop trying to make it better. You can't. All I want is for someone to love me for me, but nobody does. Nobody can," He moved over to the dresser and grabbed his keys before leaving the room.

"I do," Brad whispered, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek, “I’m still in love with you.”  
Adam walked out of his house. His thoughts were still spinning, and he couldn't focus on anything. All he knew was that he felt like he was suffocating and he needed air. Only one word spun around in his head: 'Escape.'He needed to get out, to get away from Brad, away from his band, away from everything. He considered taking a walk, but he knew that he wouldn't get far without causing a riot. He missed that now, he missed the anonymity, the freedom to come and go as he pleased, and not be stopped for his autograph. He never thought he would actually miss his old life.

'But then again,' he thought, 'I would go crazy if I weren't up on stage every night. It's what I live for.'

Those things normally didn't bother him; he had accepted it as part of the price he had to pay for living out his dream. Normally he did not mind interacting with people, but right now it would have just been too much. He didn't think he could handle all the paparazzi, all those people, all those girls, crying and screaming his name. He just wanted to be left alone. He knew if he walked back inside, he had to face Brad and he just couldn’t, at least not yet. So, instead he walked to the back of the house and climbed up the ladder that reached the roof. Up there he could be outside, he could be free from the constant clamor for his attention and for his affection, and he could be alone so he could think.

As he reached to the roof, he inhaled a lungful of air and just held it for a moment, savoring its freshness. It had rained during the night, Adam had heard it and even now he could smell it in the air. He loved that smell, it was fresh, and it was clean. Adam glanced around to find a quiet spot to sit and think.

He sat down and looked over at the city view in front of him. He thought about all the people in that city and what they might be doing at that exact moment. Other people, normal people lived their lives to love and be loved by that special person. Adam was once one of those people. He once had that special person in his life, but not anymore. No, he didn't have that anymore. There was a time when he could not understand how people could be committed to someone else; how a simple phone call or a few brief words could cheer someone up no end, and then Brad had happened. Adam thought about those days. He remembered how they were both so blissfully happy, so secure in their love. He remembered how lucky he used to feel for having Brad in his life. He remembered how he used to think he had found his soul mate in Brad, and for the first time since their breakup, Adam truthfully stared down at the abyss that his life would possibly be without love, without Brad in it. When it came down to it, all the fame and the fortune meant nothing, because at the end of the day he would go back to an empty house. He needed someone to love him, someone to make him complete. Someone who was there for him through everything, and returned the love that he gave to them. Brad's words from earlier rolled around in his head.

_'There is someone out there for you, I just know it.'_

Adam shook his head. He once had all that in his life and it was all gone now. How could Brad be so sure that somewhere was out there for him when some people went through their whole lives without finding that special person? Maybe he was destined to be one of them. Maybe his short-lived happiness with Brad had only happened to warm and lighten his dull lonely days for the rest of his life.

Back inside the house, Brad was still sitting on the sofa. He was emotionally drained and he felt numb. He didn't know what to feel. He loved Adam so much, but Adam seemed oblivious to it. It seemed like his infidelity had marked Adam for life, and now Adam was threatening to turn away from love completely. Brad hung his head. He had failed him. He had been unable to stop Adam from doing something that was going to destroy him and he knew it.

He knew that everybody needed love and that if Adam pulled away from it, if he allowed himself to become starved of love, he would die. Not physically, but emotionally, as his spirit and all the things that Brad loved about Adam would not survive, and Brad could almost feel his own heart dying right along with it.

Brad jumped as he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled the phone out and answered.

“Hello?”

"Brad?" Cassidy asked softly from the other side, "Brad? What happened? Are you there?" Cassidy said again when Brad remained silent.

“He is gone.”

“What? Who?

"Adam. He's giving up," Brad whispered.

"What do you mean? Giving what up? Singing?" Brad stood up and headed for the door.

"No, he's giving up on love."

___________________________________________

 

Cassidy shut his phone off and walked back to their table. Danielle and Alan were chatting as they drank their coffee. They both registered the panicked look on Cassidy's face and knew something was wrong.

"Cass?" Danielle questioned as she put her cup down.

"What's wrong?" Alan asked as Cassidy sat down and took a deep breath.

"We've got a problem. But I have no idea what it is."

"Huh?"

"What?" Came the confused replies.

Cassidy held up his hands before trying to explain what little he knew.

"Look, I don't know what's happened. I called Brad. He sounded like, I don't know, like...," He paused, trying to find a way to describe what he had heard, "Do you remember how Brad was like when he and Adam broke up? How he sounded?" Alan and Danielle both nodded. Brad had been devastated for a long time, and it had taken him some time to get back to something even remotely resembling normal.

"His voice…he just… he sounded depressed, lifeless," The other two were silent. Cassidy was right. It was bad. Danielle looked up.

"But where's Adam?"

Cassidy shook his head, "I don't know. All Brad said was that Adam is gone and that he was giving up."

"What? His career?" Alan asked.

"No, not singing. Love. He's giving up on love."

"Jesus," Alan breathed, "What the fuck happened?" Danielle shook her head.

"I don't know. And where's Adam?"

They looked at each other, none of them sure what to do. Alan and Cassidy then both turned their attention to Danielle, as if waiting for her to come up with an answer.

Danielle took a deep breath and tried to slow down her thoughts. Everything was spiralling out of control. They needed to know what had happened before they could do anything. They needed to know what happened between Brad and Adam. Adam, where was Adam? Okay, first things first.

“I’m going to Adam’s.”

___________________________________________

 

 Danielle drove to Adam’s house in silence. She was at a loss. She knew how badly Adam was hurting. Although Adam and Brad were best friends, it was Danielle that Adam would turn to with his emotional issues. Although he had been wary of Danielle at first, eventually Danielle had managed to break down some of Adam's barriers, and get him to talk. She knew Adam almost as well, if not better, at least in some ways, than Brad did.

"If you know him so well, then where would he go?" Danielle spoke to herself. She thought about it for a minute before the answer suddenly came to her. As soon as she arrived at Adam’s and past the security gate, she jumped out the car and ran to the door and up the stairs.

Danielle bounded up the stairs to the roof, and came to a dead stop just before the door. She took a deep breath. If Adam was up there, she needed to take this carefully, and she couldn't afford to lose her calm. She opened the door slowly, and peered out onto the roof. At first she saw nothing, but as her eyes swept over the empty roof, she could see the unmistakable figure of Adam, sitting on the ground, staring out over the city, his knees bent up to his chest with his head laying on top of them. Danielle sighed. At least she had found him.

She silently closed the door again, so she couldn't be seen, before pulling out her cell phone, "Cassidy, I've found Adam," On the other end of the phone she could hear Cassidy sigh with relief.

"Where?" Cassidy asked.

"He's up on the roof," Danielle paused, "Look, I'm going to talk to him, see if I can find out what's wrong. Why don't you go find Brad and see how he is. Just…keep an eye on him, OK?"

"Do you want me to try and talk to him?" Cassidy asked. Danielle thought for a moment.

"No, hold off for a few Cass, let's see what I can get out of Adam first, then maybe we can make some more sense out of this mess they've got themselves into."

Cassidy chuckled lightly, "You know, I think we should bang their heads together, maybe that will sort them out."

Danielle laughed out loud at that, "Only as a last resort. Bye Cass."

"Good luck Danny."

Danielle chuckled as she turned off her phone and put it in her pocket.

'Great minds really do think alike,' she thought.

Danielle's mood sobered quickly as she stepped out onto the roof. Adam hadn't moved, and still had his back to Danielle so he didn't see her approach. A hot breath of air whipped across the open space, hitting Danielle across the face.

'Adam must have sunstroke,' she thought as she stepped closer. Danielle reached Adam's side, and sat a couple of feet away. She knew from experience that she couldn't force this so she sat close enough that Adam felt her support, but not so close as to invade his personal space, and the barriers he had built around himself.

Adam stiffened as he felt someone's presence. He didn't want anybody to be there, he didn't want to talk about things. He just wanted to be left alone. He could no longer feel anything but the sun against his skin, the heat had made him queasy, but it hadn't fully registered in his mind. Deep down, he was nauseous from the emotional rollercoaster he had been on lately, and he still wasn't thinking clearly enough to register that his body was practically as frozen as his heart.

Danielle just sat there, waiting. Adam knew that Danielle wasn't going to move until he talked but he didn't want to. So he tried to get rid of her. Without turning to look at her he said, "I'm okay D., it's nothing."

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Danielle give him a patient look, one that his mother used when she was thinking that he didn't know what was best for him and she did. He hated that look. Danielle wasn't his mother; she should just butt out.

"It can't be ‘nothing’ or else you and Brad wouldn't be in this state."

Adam momentarily wondered what she meant by that, but he didn't want to think about it. He just wanted Danielle gone. He decided the only way was to tell her some of the story. Hell it didn't matter, Brad would just tell them anyway. For a brief moment he wondered why Brad hadn't already because it was clear that Danielle had no clue what was wrong.

'Think about that later,' he thought, 'Right now just get rid of her, you don't want Danielle around. She'll get too close.'

"You were right about Drake."

Danielle threw him a confused look, "Right about what?"

"He's a jerk."

That explained a lot to Danielle. Whatever was wrong with Adam had something to do with Drake, and she could make a pretty good guess at what had happened there.

"I'm sorry. I know how much you cared about him."

Danielle reached out to put her hand on Adam's arm. Adam flinched at the contact and pulled quickly away, jumping up and away from her.

"I don't care. I don't. Not anymore."

Danielle got up, worried by Adam's cold, calm tone.

"He can rot in hell for all I care, but I've had it. I've had enough."

Danielle was about to ask what he meant by enough, until Adam turned and looked at her. Suddenly it became all too clear what he meant. Adam turned around, and Danielle found herself staring into two deep dark-blue eyes. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and with Adam that was especially true. His eyes, normally so bright, were dark and dull. In that moment, Danielle knew what Brad had meant when he said that Adam had given up on love. Danielle could feel her breath catch. Adam had been hurt too many times, and now he had closed his heart, unwilling to allow himself to be hurt again. Danielle knew deep down that the only person who could change his mind and could make him believe in love again was Brad. But after hearing Cassidy's description of Brad's state of mind, she didn't know if Brad was going to be strong enough.

"Danielle, just leave me alone, okay? I'll be fine. I just need some time on my own."

Danielle sighed. She knew that being alone was the last thing Adam needed right now. What he really needed was all his friends around him showing him how much they loved him so that they could break down those barriers that Adam had put up. But Adam wasn't about to let that happen.

"Okay honey. Because I care for you so much I'll promise to leave you alone, but only if you come back inside. It's hot out here. You’re going to be sick if you sit here any longer."

Adam looked at Danielle. She was like a sister he had never had. He could see the concern and compassion in her eyes, but he ignored it, he didn't want anybody to feel sorry for him. He was going to be happier this way. Nothing could hurt him now. A sudden gust of hot air blew across the roof, hitting him right across the face, and for the first time, Adam realized that Danielle was right, it was hot. Giving in, he moved towards the door with Danielle following him, and they walked downstairs in silence.

 

 ___________________________________________

 

Once he made sure Adam was going to be OK, Danielle headed to Cassidy’s place and knocked softly. The door opened, and Alan let him in. Danielle entered the condo, and closed the door behind her, before heading over to the sofa with the others. "Any luck?" Cassidy asked softly. Danielle sighed.

"Adam wants to be alone."

"That's not good," Alan replied.

"You’re telling me."

"So, what happened?" Alan asked, impatient for answers.

"Sounds like Drake broke up with him. And from Adam's reaction, it wasn't a very amicable break up."

"That explains a lot. That asshole, I knew he'd do this to him," Cassidy said angrily.

"Yeah, but I thought he'd have done it by now," Danielle replied.

"So, how's he taking it?" Alan asked.

"Not good. I think Brad's right. He's shutting himself off from everything and everyone."

"We can't let him do that."

"I know Cass, but what do you suggest?"

Cassidy sighed heavily, "I have no fucking clue," He looked up at the others, "Goddamn it, just when things were getting better for both of them. They both seemed to be doing OK."

"I don't know, man, it sure seems like it though. And Brad's taking this almost as hard as Adam," Alan said, "The big question is: what do we do now?"

Danielle looked at the others, a resigned look on her face.

"To be honest, I don't think there's much that _we_ can do," She held her hands up to stop their protests, "I didn't say we wouldn't try. It's just that we can't help if Adam won't let _us_ ," She gestured to the three of them. She could almost see the light bulbs click on over the others’ heads. Alan looked at her, a wry smile on his face, "Brad. He always listens to Brad."

Danielle nodded. Cassidy looked uncertain, "But Brad's in almost as bad a state as Adam is. He can't help Adam right now, he needs help himself."

Alan looked at him as if Cassidy were stupid, "Well duh, we know that," he began, "But Brad won't turn us away."

Danielle filled Cassidy in, "We help Brad, and he helps Adam, and with any luck, those two will find a way back to each other."

Cassidy grinned, finally getting it, "Ohhh, cool, so who gets to talk to Brad?" He asked. The other two turned and looked at him as if he really was stupid.

'Ohh,' he thought. 'Lucky me.'  



	3. Unreciprocated - Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.

Brad got as far as Adam's house, before he came to an abrupt halt, one arm raised, ready to ring the buzzer. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Adam was asleep. Maybe Adam would kill him if he woke him up. Actually, there was no maybe about that last one. Adam _would_ kill him if he woke him up. So instead of ringing the buzzer, Brad looked over at the house, and tried to discern any movement in the house. For the longest time, Brad strained to see something until he started to feel stupid. After all, he was standing right outside of Adam’s house, at two in the morning, looking for any indication that Adam was awake or even home. None came.

He glanced one more time at the locked gate and decided to punch in the security code at the gate. The problem was he didn’t know the code. He looked one more time at the house. He knew he could have three lucky guesses before the alarm would go off.

He tried to get inside Adam’s head and his method of thinking and guess the code. He knew Adam had the tendency of picking dates as his security code combinations.

_‘Maybe it’s his birth date. He used to use his birth date as his email password, right?’_

It was a possibility. It was something easy to remember. Brad punched the numbers and waited for the little red light to go green.

It did not.

_‘What was I thinking? It can’t be his birthday. Everyone knows his birthday. What about… Could it be… my birthday?’_

Brad’s birth date used to be Adam’s ATM card security code. It was something easy for both of them to remember. Yes. It was possible, so Brad punched in his birth date and stared at the little red light with unease. Again, the gate remained locked.

Something sank inside him.

_‘Of course Adam would not choose your birth date as his security code combination. Why would he do that? Who would do that? Who would choose his ex’s birth date as his security code? Nobody does that, except for…maybe someone desperate.’_

And Brad knew Adam was anything but desperate. There were no special dates in Adam’s life that Brad knew of, just his birthday and the day they had met.

_‘No. It just can’t be. You already tried your own birthday and it didn’t work out. Adam has moved on. His world doesn’t revolve around you…not anymore. Why can’t you accept that?’_

Still, it was his last chance. So he punched in the date and waited for the light to go green. It didn’t. With a sigh, he started walking towards his car when he heard the gate click open. Brad turned around, stunned. It had worked.

It had _worked_!

Finally out of his daze, Brad walked inside.

Now the problem was what he would say to Adam when he faced him. Adam would know how desperate Brad had become; he would know how clingy Brad could be, and that would be the final straw. Adam would push him away and outside his life. Brad was certain of that but yet again, he quietly walked inside.

He tiptoed around Adam’s huge living room. The house was dark and quiet, a certain sign that Adam was either asleep or simply not home. That was when he heard it. It sounded like a moan to him. He stopped and listened, trying to figure out what he had heard, then he heard it again; it definitely sounded like moaning and it came from upstairs. Brad wondered what Adam was doing up there. Oh God, he probably was not alone. Shit! He would better leave before Adam ever knew Brad had been there. Brad was about to leave Adam to…whatever it was that Adam was doing upstairs when he heard it again. This time he heard it clearly. Adam was moaning, but it sounded like he was in pain. This time he could make out what he was moaning. He was saying 'No.' Brad wasn't sure what to do, but something told him that Adam needed him, so without really thinking about it, he climbed up the stairs. Another loud moan was heard which sounded like Adam was really in pain. Then Brad reached Adam’s bedroom, opened the door and stepped inside.

Of all the sights he had been expecting it was not what he found. Adam was lying in bed asleep, quite obviously in the throes of a horrific nightmare. He was thrashing around in the bed, covers thrown off, arms and legs flying everywhere as he squirmed around, a layer of sweat glistening on his skin. It was as if he was trying to escape from something, and he was constantly moaning and calling out, 'No, no, don't.' Brad rushed over to the bed, and tried to grab Adam without getting hit by any errant limbs.

"Adam, wake up," He called out softly, trying to wake him.

"No, don't say it. No," Adam cried, still gripped by the nightmare.

"It's just a nightmare, wake up."

Adam still didn't hear him, and continued to thrash about until one of his arms crashed into the bedside table, knocking over the lamp with a loud crash. Brad was forced to grab Adam in something like a bear hug, and almost shouted at him to wake up, but it still wasn't working. So he tried another approach. He bent his head down to Adam's ear and began talking softly to him.

"Adam, sweetheart it's okay. It's just a nightmare. I'm here and I won't let anything hurt you. Just wake up and everything will be fine," He kept repeating that he was there, and that everything was fine.

Adam slowly calmed down in Brad's arms. After a few minutes, he moaned softly, and opened his eyes.

"Brad?" he said, confused and bewildered.

"I'm here Adam. It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay."

Brad released his hold on Adam a little, but continued to hold him, not wanting to let go. Adam didn't want him to let go either, and he turned around in the embrace, and put his arms around Brad's waist, hiding his face against Brad's chest. They stayed like that for a long time, Brad gently rocking them both as Adam's body trembled. Brad then realized that Adam was crying, and he moved one hand from stroking Adam's head to gently cup his face so he could look at him.

"Adam?"

Adam looked up into Brad's eyes, and Brad could see the pain his friend was feeling.

"Hey, what's the matter?" He asked softly.

"I was dreaming about the night we broke up. It was kinda weird though." He stopped, as he felt Brad tense at the mention of it, and moved out of Brad's embrace, so that they were now sitting face to face, "It was like I was watching a film or something... I could see myself hurrying out of the theater. I watched myself shouting a goodbye to everyone, so excited because I knew you had come to our show that night and that you were waiting for me outside….and you were, but then I got inside the car and you dropped the bomb on me.”

_*Flashback*_

_"You did what?" Adam exclaimed in the car going home. He had had a great show that night, trying to be the best he could be, just by thinking about Brad being somewhere in the audience watching him, and there was Brad, confessing to him about his betrayal and asking Adam to forgive him._

_"At the intermission…I was on my way backstage to your dressing room to see you, when I…I saw this guy, one of the stage crew and we…um…I kinda got carried away with him ," Brad said sheepishly._

_"What exactly did you do?" Adam asked._

_"Is it important?" Brad asked defensively._

_"It is to me,” Adam said. Brad had never seen Adam quite so threatening._

_"OK," Brad answered, "I guess you have a right to know. We gave each other a blow job. Well, two each actually."_

_Adam was very quiet the rest of the way home. Brad knew Adam would be angry, but he did not know how angry. He tried to say things like how spectacular Adam had been on stage that night, to which Adam replied sharply, "I don't know how you could know. You were busy elsewhere, weren't you?"_

_Eventually Brad gave up and just drove home._

___________________________________________

_"Brad…I think you should sleep on the couch tonight," Adam directed as Brad tried to crawl in bed with him, "And tomorrow, I think you'd better plan on spending some time at your own place."_

_"But," Brad protested, trying to lighten the mood, "I've already let Cassidy stay at my place for a while until he gets his own place, remember? I don't know if it's fair to him to just throw him out."_

_"Cassidy is out of town for his gig," Adam answered, "By the time he gets back, we should have this worked out."_

_"Does that mean you're kicking me out?" Brad asked, starting to get somewhat annoyed._

_"It means," Adam said emphatically, "I thought we had an agreement and now I find out that we didn't have anything!"_

_"But Adam," Brad pleaded, "I only,-"_

_"You only got it on with some guy you didn't even know. Someone I should still be working with every day for at least another six months, or did you manage to forget that? I thought we had an agreement to be open with each other because we trust each other, remember? Where's that trust now? I really don't know where I fit, Bradley."_

_"Addy," Brad defended, "I don't think you're being fair. Are you saying you don't want us to be together anymore? And because I screwed up one time?"_

_"I don't know, Brad. I just don't know. We were so special, so... well we had it all! Now I just don't know. I love you so much! I would never think of doing such a thing! And now I just don't know what you're thinking. I guess I'm wondering why you're here."_

_"Maybe you'd like it better if I permanently moved back home," Brad said. Hearing himself say those words hit him like a thunderbolt. It seemed so final!_

_"Actually that’s not a bad idea," Adam answered._

_"Adam," Brad said, trying to show hurt in his voice, "There's... there's one more thing."_

_"What's that?" Adam asked. His tone softened a little. Brad was hopeful, but at the same time the "poor me" syndrome was working overtime._

_"The necklaces," Brad said tentatively, "You put mine on me and I put yours on you. We made a vow that no one would take mine off but you, and no one would take yours off but me. Do you want to take mine off?"_

_"I made another vow," Adam answered, "That I'd never be the first to do that. But if you want to, here you go." Adam said as he sat up on the bed and turned away so that his back was to Brad._

_Brad stared at the back of Adam’s hair. He reached over and caressed Adam’s neck. It was so smooth, so soft to the touch. He moved on his knees on the bed so that he was face to face with Adam. He reached over and touched the key pendant and remembered how happy they had been, how they had worn those necklaces so proudly for almost a year._

_"I can't, Addy," Brad whispered softly, "I still love you and I can't take it off. If I took it off that would mean I don't want to be your lover anymore and that's just not the case. I don't ever want to give you up."_

_"Bradley," Adam said as tears began to flow in both their eyes, "I love you so much! Why don't you just sleep on the couch tonight till I figure this whole thing out? Right now I'm so mad, so hurt, so disappointed; I don't know what I want. We were so free with each other, so completely open because we trust each other. Our love was so clean and pure, and now I just don't know. I've got a long life ahead of me, and I want to live it with you, I do… but I don't want to be constantly worrying about what you are doing behind my back whenever we are not together."_

_Suddenly Brad realized the basic difference between Adam and him. Adam was looking forward to a long life with him, while Brad was living just for the moment. Brad had never even considered the possibility of being middle aged, or older. Before he had met Adam, he had even thought about suicide at some point, because in his mind, he had no future, and then he had met Adam._

_"For what it's worth," Brad said as he moved his hand to Adam’s hair and stroked his hair lightly, "I've learned my lesson. I'm so sorry, and I promise…I swear I'll never do such a thing again. Please forgive me, Addy, please?"_

_"I can forgive you……eventually," Adam answered, " …but I'm not sure I can forget. I'm not sure we can ever be the same as we were. We're just going to have to wait and see. If I can't get over it, then I guess we're going to have to break up. I'm sorry, Bradley, but that's what our love means to me. It's all or nothing."_

_Brad leaned forward and gently kissed Adam’s lips, told him he loved him, and walked to the couch. It was the first time in a long time that he had slept alone and he had a feeling that it was the first night of many nights to come._

__

 

_*End of Flashback*_

___________________________________________

“I heard everything I said to you, and I was trying to shout at my other self to…to stop and not let you go...," Adam stopped and looked at Brad, and could see him holding back tears from this painful memory, “I overreacted to what you did. I should've just given you hell and then forgot it,” Brad tried to protest but Adam held his hand up, signaling Brad to let him continue, “I… I miss you so much,”

Adam moved a bit closer to Brad, and put his hand on Brad's arm, "It was awful because I knew…I knew that I was making a mistake letting you go...of pushing you out of my bed and my life. I was there, watching you pack your stuff and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or take my words back," Brad saw Adam looking at his necklace and the lock pendant which was still around his neck. Brad checked Adam’s necklace and Adam still had the key pendant on too. He did not even know why he looked, but he did, “After Drake’s call, I…I started thinking about my relationships…and why they never work. I…there must have been something wrong with me if people that I love keep leaving me.”

 

"Adam. It's okay. You’re hurt. You are not thinking clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. Don’t shoulder other people’s screw-ups, OK? I fucked up, so did Drake. It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s _not_ your fault."

He held Adam's head in his hands, looking directly into Adam's eyes to make sure he understood what he was saying, "I’m sorry that I ruined our chance. If I could take it back… you know I would but I can´t and it’s killing me. I’m sorry that Drake did the exact same thing to you. I couldn't bear to see you hurt then, and now… now I have to watch you hurt yourself over Drake and I can’t bear it. I wish I could do something, _anything_ to stop it."

Adam was incredulous, "Why are you blaming yourself over something someone else has done?"

"Because I can’t imagine how hurt you really were when we broke up. You never let me see you hurting then, but I know I hurt you pretty bad. I broke all the rules and at the end it was you who paid for it the most. I wasn’t a good lover then and I can’t be a good enough friend now," Brad admitted sadly.

"Oh, Bradley," Adam leant his head against Brad’s chest and closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes, he saw Brad’s pendant right next to his face. He raised his hand and touched the pendant, "It’s not you. Sure…I used to blame you too, but now with everything that’s happened with Drake, I now know that I am doing something wrong. Maybe…maybe I’m not meant to fall in love like that.”

"What else have you forgotten, Adam?" Brad suddenly asked. Adam could see Brad’s eyes misting up.

"What are you talking about?" Adam asked.

"I think you know exactly what I’m talking about, Adam. Burning Man, ring any bells? Do you remember the last night when we were standing there watching the statue burn? Do you remember what we promised to each other? We had such plans, conquering the world, building our lives, making your mom and dad proud, showing my mom I could be successful and happy, living my own life, on my own terms. You did conquer something; at least you’re a star now, but what about the rest? What about love? We promised we would be deeply, passionately in love with life, so why are you throwing it away like this? I know you are hurt, Adam, but it’s not the end of the world for you. You could do so much more, you can love perfectly, I know you can! I have been there. I have seen it. I have bathed in it, Adam, so don’t tell me there is not still in an ounce of love somewhere inside you, because I know there is.”

“Brad, I have to ask you something."

Brad shuffled nervously. Could Adam be asking what Brad was yearning to hear for months? "What is it?" Brad said as neutrally as he could.

"Bradley..." Adam hesitated, then started again with more energy, "Brad, do you.... are you.... uh... are you ready to take the necklaces off yet?"

"Why do you ask?" Brad evaded, "Do you want to? We can if you say so."

"I think you already know, Brad. I'll never take mine off, and I'll never take yours off either. If either of them ever comes off, it'll have to be you that does it."

"Addy," Brad said, fighting his breaking voice, "It's been so long..."

"Yeah, it has," Adam agreed, "It's been too fucking long! Bradley, I've missed you so much! I know just by the way you've been acting lately that you're not very happy, and I'm just conceited enough to think that the reason you're unhappy is…well…God, this is hard,” Adam chuckled nervously, “I think the reason is me?"

"That's not conceit, Adam, that's truth. You could have any guy in the whole world now! So why would you still want to be with me? After everything that has happened between us, you know you shouldn’t want to be with me. It’s unhealthy to go back to someone who has broken your heart. Maybe…maybe you are on the rebound and want to get back at Drake, Adam, but you know you will regret this sooner or later. Then we will lose the friendship that we have both worked so hard for, and I don’t want that. I know you don’t want that, and I also know what a screw-up I have been since we broke up and that’s the last thing you need right now."

"I know…I know all about it, Brad. I know about the drinking, the wild parties, and I know about your little dates too. I don't know the details but I know enough to know you have not been in love with any one of them."

"I don’t think I can ever love anyone after you, Adam," Brad said slowly, "But if you know about all my hell raising then you know I'm not the kind of guy you need to be with again. You're special, Adam, and you're going places. I can't ask you to hang around me, I'll just pull you down. Why would you want to anyway?"

"Because I love you, Brad, and I don't see that changing any time soon. It’s been five years, so it should have happened by now, don’t you think? I miss you so much!"

"Adam, I... I just don't know...," Brad was wavering and he knew that Adam knew it too. He went for the kill.

"Brad," Adam said softly, "Will you stay with me tonight? There's so much I want to talk to you about. We don't have to sleep together or anything, you can take the bed and I'll take the couch."

"The couch?" Brad questioned, "You know you don’t fit on that couch, big boy!"

"You know what I mean, Bradley. Stay, please? I’ll feel safer if you’re near."

“Alright, but I’ll take the couch.”

So Brad stayed that night. They slept in Adam’s bedroom in separate beds that night for about half an hour. Then Adam said in his most enticing, most alluring tone, "Brad, can you come over here….please? So we can talk?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Brad answered.

"We don't have to do anything, I just want to talk and I hate having to talk to you halfway across the room."

Was Adam enticing him? Brad did not think so. Was Adam trying to use what he knew was Brad’s killer attraction for his gorgeous body? Never! Brad knew Adam was not like that. So Brad’s resistance collapsed and he padded the three steps from the couch to Adam's bed and crawled in.

And so they talked. They talked for a long time, and while they didn't have sex that night, but they did wind up with their arms around each other.

"You know…sometimes I think my relationship with Drake was doomed from the start, because I had never gotten over you. He was just the closest thing I could find to you.”

“Yeah, I noticed that you have a tendency to do that. Kissing Ke$ha because she looked like me? Seriously?”

“Oh come on! Not you too,” Adam groaned, “She _is_ pretty.”

“Save that for the reporters, bitch. I know you too well, remember?”

“Tell me you don't love me anymore," Adam suddenly challenged, "And take my necklace off. Then I can go on and know that it's really over."

"I don't know if I can do that, Adam," Brad answered, "We've been together so long, worn those pendants so long they're like a part of us. And we did have some good times, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did," Adam agreed, "And I gotta ask you, Bradley, has it gotten any better for you? Are you happy with the way things are going for you?"

"Things are ok," Brad responded. People have started to finally see me, thanks to your fans by the way."

"That's not what I asked you, Brad. I want you to tell me that you're glad we broke up. Tell me you are better off because you left here."

Of course Brad couldn't do that. So he slipped his arm around Adam’s strong, lithe neck and hugged him. Adam responded by melting into Brad, wrapping his arms around him and lapsing into silence. Soon Adam was asleep while Brad just laid there, looking at Adam. It was not that he suddenly did not want to be with Adam anymore. It was just that he was still scared. He knew what they used to have had been something so beautiful and sacred, but he also knew that he had ruined it! He was just not sure that things could ever be the same again. He knew he had hurt Adam so badly, that he had fucked up what could have been so great. Part of Brad still wanted it and part of him felt trapped. Not that he minded feeling trapped. Brad sighed. He knew he had to make a decision and soon.

 

 


	4. Unreciprocated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.

Brad woke to the sound of rain battering against the window. Overnight the weather had taken a turn for the worse, and it sounded like it was blowing up a gale outside. He didn't care though. How could he, when he was holding Adam in his arms? He felt Adam shift in his embrace, and let out a contented sigh. Brad unconsciously tightened his hold on Adam, as a sudden fear took over. What if Adam woke up and regretted everything that had happened between them the night before? What if he shouted at him for taking advantage of him when he was confused? What if....

He looked down and was met by the most beautiful pair of shining blue eyes he had ever seen. Adam blinked some of the sleep from his eyes so that he could focus on the face staring down at him. Suddenly Adam smiled, a small, contented smile, which was interrupted by a massive yawn. Brad let out the breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding, and cracked a smile himself. At least he knew that Adam did not hate him. His smile widened as he watched Adam rub the sleep out of his eyes. He looked so cute when he did that, and Brad was forced to bite his lip. He wanted to kiss him, badly, but he didn't want to risk it.

Adam sighed again and stretched. 'God, life is good,' He thought. He had woken up feeling refreshed and rested; ready to face the world again, and it was all thanks to the warm body that was holding him. At first, in his semi-conscious state, Adam had only been dimly aware of the fact that there was someone in the bed with him, holding him. As he had awoken more, memories had flooded back to him from the night before. His nightmare, waking up in Brad's arms, their talk, him asking Brad to stay, their long talk, and finally falling asleep in Brad’s arms. The memory of the night before was what caused the contented smile that Brad had seen. As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, he thought about Brad and how much he wanted to feel his lips on his again. Then, when he opened his eyes and came face to face with Brad biting his lip he knew what he had to do.

Adam moved slowly, watching Brad's face as he moved closer to his goal. Their lips met gently. The kiss was innocent, but it felt like they were both sure that they wanted it, and it was more like a promise of things to come. After a few moments, they pulled away, and Adam unconsciously licked his lips. Brad saw that, and had to stop himself from pulling him back down and kissing the hell out of him. He was just so damn irresistible when he did that.

"Adam?" Brad asked softly.

"Yeah."

"I did a lot of thinking last night," Brad said and then paused. Adam saw the uncertainty flicker in Brad’s eyes and he pulled away, suddenly feeling uncertain, insecure, and vulnerable.

“What's going on, Brad?"

"I'm tryin' to tell you. But it’s not easy, Adam. What I'm trying to tell you is that I want us to stay friends. In spite of everything that happened last night, I still want to be your friend, hang out with you, go places together...."

"And?" Adam said expectantly.

"And let’s not be awkward around each other, OK? We had something so special, but I can't ask you to try that again. You were so hurt last night. I know you weren’t thinking clearly when you suggested for us to get back together, but just being close to you, like last night sleeping in the same bed with you, it has.... Adam for the first time in a really long time, I slept peacefully last night. It was so calming, so peaceful. You're a really special guy, Adam, and I don’t want to lose your friendship….at all."

There was a long pause. Brad was thinking how he had been too melodramatic, but it was really how he had felt, and he hoped Adam knew that.

"I'm afraid that's not going to work," Adam said finally. Brad was shattered, and more than a little surprised. He had thought that's what Adam wanted.

"Why not?" Brad asked, "It's not like I’m asking you to make love to me or anything, I just…I still want to be part of your life."

"But Brad," Adam said as he reached over and touched the lock pendant on Brad’s necklace, "I want you to love me! I want to make love to you! I don't want you to be a part of my life; I want you to be my life!"

"I can't, Addy, can't you understand that?"

"No, I can't. Why are you doing this, Brad? I thought this was what you wanted too.”

“Adam, I want to be back with you again, I want to love you, I want to be with you. Don’t think for a second that I don’t, but don’t you see? What we had then, as pure and innocent and wild as it was, I don’t think it was love.”

“It wasn’t? Why? Do you know any more about love than you did back then?"

"Love? Shit, Adam, I don't think I know as much as I did five years ago. I don't know anything anymore."

"Exactly! That's my point! You're confused, I'm confused... we don't know what the future holds, we both know we'd be far better off finding some nice guy to love, to share our lives with... but that's not me, Brad! And I don't think it's you either. I think we belong together, man! And just so you know, I've never felt any other way since that first night we met at Danielle’s house."

Danielle's house! That was a piece of ancient history to Brad. The last time he had been there was less than a year ago. It seemed like a millennium ago but the mention of it did the trick. Brad remembered their happier, more carefree times together, when it seemed like he and Adam were the center of the whole world, and everyone and everything else was just there, revolving around the gravity of their love.

"Are you seriously saying that you want me back? I mean, completely?"

"Well, Sherlock," Adam said as a grin spread across his face, "You finally got it! So what's it gonna be? Do I get another kiss or not?"

Adam got his kiss, and then another, and another. They just lay in that bed, totally lost to the world as their lips spoke volumes and their tongues danced around each other. Brad’s arms were around Adam’s hard, broad shoulders and Brad’s mind was somewhere in Nirvana. Tears were streaming from their eyes and they were completely lost in time. There was no telling how long they stayed like that, but when they finally separated it was as if they had never been apart. They looked at each other and started laughing; then crying; then laughing and crying at the same time.

"I got an idea," Adam said suddenly, “Let’s go away for the weekend. Let’s lock ourselves away from everyone and everything. You know…like a secret getaway. This is our chance to be with each other again, Bradley, hmm? What do you say?”

“Adam, I have to,-”

“It’s the weekend, Brad. So, I know you don’t have any obligations you can’t postpone. Just one weekend Brad, think about it.”

“Where to?”

“It’s a secret!”

A lazy smile decorated Brad’s face and Adam saw the glow he once had been so familiar with back on his lover’s face.

“Let’s do it.”

_____________________________________

 

Brad couldn't believe exactly how far Adam had gone. He had been surprised when Adam mentioned the place he had rented was a beautiful, country-style cabin with a private beach. What he found in said cabin was enough to make him breathless.

He stood in the middle of the cabin and looked around. Adam did everything to the extreme and this was no different. He couldn't help but wonder how Adam had arranged everything so perfectly in such short time. Well, Adam was a superstar now, wasn’t he? This whole arrangement must have been one of the benefits, right?

Adam carried their bags through the door and kicked it shut with his foot, his eyes focused on Brad's back. He watched him, noting how nervous Brad looked. Had he pushed too soon and too far over the line? They were not doing anything wrong, were they? He was surprised Brad had given in so easily to the idea of a romantic weekend, but it was not something they had not done before, was it? Sure, they had never been able to afford something like this when they were still together five years ago but, they still had had their share of romantic weekends, hadn’t they? It was nothing new. Plus Brad looked happy.

"I got all of the bags." Adam finally said, breaking the silence. He wondered if he had gone overboard with the huge log cabin. What did Brad expect, a shack? "What do you think?"

Brad finally turned around and locked eyes with Adam. It had been the most words they had spoken…well… Adam had spoken, since the plane ride there. What if Adam was already regretting this? Maybe this whole weekend thing was not a very good idea. Brad suddenly wished he could be somewhere else, anywhere but near Adam. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"It's… nice," Brad finally spoke. He shoved his shaky hands into the pockets of his tight pants and turned his gaze to look at the huge, stone fireplace that decorated one wall.

Adam watched Brad, knowing exactly what he was thinking, "Look, B, we don't have to do anything if you’re not ready yet. This is all up to you. We can just sit around and eat and talk all weekend if that's what you want."

Brad looked at Adam and spoke only after a good few seconds passed, "What do you want?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Adam looked at him, his blue eyes wide with emotion, "You know what I want,” he said softly, “No one knows we're here. It's just you and me. No one ever has to know what goes on here in the next three days," He watched as Brad looked down, "This won't ruin anything, Brad, I promise you. No matter what happens between us in the next three days, you will always have my friendship…and gratitude…and loyalty…and love," He stated, though secretly hoping that by the day they were leaving the cabin, they would leave as a couple.

This was it. It was now or never for Brad. Slowly he looked up and locked eyes with Adam's. "I want to," He finally answered. It took him a minute to realize that he had actually said it. "Let’s unpack first."

Adam nodded, "Alright, you're in control."

_____________________________________

 

Finally, when Brad realized he had nothing left to unpack and nothing else to do, he made his way through the split-level cabin and into the living room, marveling at its massive, rustic beauty. He stopped and watched as Adam stood in front of a huge picture window, gazing at the snow as it fell heavily to the ground. His eyes traced over the contours of Adam’s bare back, remembering how soft his skin used to feel under his touch.

Adam turned around and locked eyes with Brad, something flashing through his eyes. After a pause, he spoke, "Have everything unpacked?"

"Yeah," Brad asked, “This place is perfect! How did you manage to find it on such short notice?”

Adam froze in his place in front of the window, "What?"

“How did you find this place?”

“I…,” Adam whispered suddenly very nervous, “Well… I had plans to come here for the weekend anyway…before…hmm…,”

"Before you asked me? You had plans to have a little getaway…with Drake, right?"

Adam was too shocked to answer that.

"And when things got ugly between you two, you decided to invite me instead, right?”

“Listen Brad, I…yeah, that’s how it happened. But I didn’t bring you here just to replace him, OK? I wouldn’t do that to you. Drake and I are through…for good.”

“Is that so? Then what did you bring me here for anyway? For just for a quick fuck? Someone to take care of your needs when things between you and Drake got a little rocky? Am I here for you to use for a weekend?"

"You know what, fuck you, Brad. Fucking Alisan would have been better than coming here. At least she doesn't ask fucking retarded questions."

Brad just looked at him, secretly hurt by his comment.

Adam turned back toward the window and resumed watching the snow, "If that’s how you think after everything that’s happened between us since yesterday, you can leave, you know. No one's keeping you here. I didn't tell you about it because I was scared," He mumbled, “I was scared this would happen, that you would assume I was trying to replace him with you, so I kept my mouth shut because I wanted this to be perfect for us,” He turned around in shock when he felt Brad behind him. He locked eyes with Brad and swallowed the words on the tip of his tongue.

Brad just stared back, already making yet another decision. He reached up, almost reluctantly, and cupped a hand around Adam's cheek. Without a word he pulled Adam's face towards his and locked lips with his best friend.

Adam wrapped his arms around Brad's neck. He opened his mouth, anxious for more of a response.

Brad moaned as he slid his tongue through Adam's lips, which Adam greedily accepted. He slid between his legs, deepening the kiss.

Adam held Brad against him and kissed him with everything in him, as if this was his last kiss on earth and he had to give it everything he had. Five years of being apart, months of pent-up passion flowed through the kiss and finally, Brad was exactly where had dreamed about for months, and this time, it wasn't a dream.

Brad finally pulled away from the kiss and leant his forehead against Adam's chest. He couldn't tell which was faster; the beating of his heart or his mind trying to catch up with everything that was happening so quickly.

"Wow." Adam breathed, his fingers massaging Brad's, "Have I told you lately what an excellent kisser you are?"

Brad pulled back slightly and looked up, catching the emotion in Adam's eyes. An emotion he was pretty sure was in his own at that moment. He smiled softly and nodded, "Yes. I can say the same about you," he whispered. And it was. Of all the boys he had ever been with after Adam, none of them held a candle to Adam when it came to kissing…or anything else, for the matter. He could sense the sincerity in Adam’s every move. He could feel the genuineness of Adam’s feelings. Adam could not fake those emotions, could he? No matter how good an actor he was, he could never fake the genuine look in his eyes. No, Adam was completely sincere. Adam wanted him back. Adam wanted to be with him. He was just letting his insecurities get the best of him.

Brad unlocked his eyes from Adam's and looked down. He swallowed the lump in his throat when he saw the effect the kiss had had on Adam; an effect that both surprised and shocked him. God, how he wanted to feel Adam’s touch. He averted his eyes back to Adam's.

Adam brushed past Brad before turning around and pressing into his back, "You know…" He whispered against Brad's ear, "This weekend is about us, you and me. If you want something, just ask," Slowly, he snuck an arm around Brad's waist and gently cupped the younger man through his pants, "Whatever you want."

Brad closed his eyes and moaned as Adam's hand tortured him. He pressed back against Adam and rested the back of his head on Adam's shoulder, "God... Adam," He choked out. Adam’s slow, steady teasing was driving him mad.

"You always liked me touching you like this," Adam whispered against Brad's ear before snaking a tongue out and licking Brad's earlobe, "Do you still like it? Does it still feel good, baby?" He asked. Brad replied with a whimper.

"Adam," Brad moaned, lifting his arms and wrapping them back and around Adam's neck. "Oh, that feels…," He didn't finish his sentence, letting out an animalistic moan as Adam's hand slipped inside his pants. He bucked his hips forward and rubbed his ass around Adam's hard, covered cock as his own cock grinded against Adam's hand.

Adam formed a steady pace, jerking Brad’s cock as his own grinded against Brad's ass. Everything felt exactly like before, like they had never been apart. He could feel his orgasm nearing and desperately held on, wanting to cum when Brad did. He bit his lower lip and held on for dear life. Brad's ass felt so good against him and he couldn't help but wonder if it would feel as good as he remembered being inside Brad, "Oh, fuck," He moaned against Brad's ear.

Brad continued to grind against Adam's cock and he brought a hand down. Slowly, he snuck his own hand down his pants and placed it on top of Adam's, guiding the older man's hand movements. The feeling of his and Adam's hand nurturing his cock and the sensation of Adam's cock rubbing against him became too much to bear. With one final flick to the head by Adam's thumb, he let everything out with a long moan, falling limp as his hot seed coated his middle.

Adam felt the familiar warm, sticky fluid of Brad's cum on his hand and finally he let go and allowed himself to groan deeply as he came in his own pants with a violent shudder. Before he even had time to regain breathing, Brad turned around and kissed him deeply, his tongue ravishing his mouth hungrily.

Brad wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and pressed against his body. He kissed him with everything in him. He was finally back where he belonged.

Finally, after kissing and holding each other for what seemed like forever, Adam was the first to pull away just as Brad's roaming hands looped under the waistline of his sweat pants. Adam wrapped his arms around him. Brad looked at Adam. He licked his lips, Adam's sweet taste still lingering, and swallowed the lump in his throat which also seemed to carry Adam's taste. "So," had been the only thing that came out of his mouth.

"Are you okay?" Adam asked, somehow feeling the need to ask. He was sure that what they had just done felt right to him. Kissing and holding Brad like that again was like finally coming back to life. He just wanted to be sure that Brad was okay with everything. He didn’t want Brad to still have doubts and questions about his sincerity.

Brad just stared at Adam, noting every movement and word the older man made. He smiled softly and instead of answering, he stepped closer, bridging the distance between them. He silenced Adam by cupping his face and taking that bottom lip into his mouth.

Adam immediately fell limp and moaned as Brad's tongue slowly and teasingly sucked on his lip. He opened his mouth and slipped his own tongue out.

Brad moaned and lightly dropped his hands, his fingers roaming over soft skin, and he wrapped his arms under Adam's and around, pulling him closer. He tilted his head and angled his lips, his tongue exploring every possible contour, sliding against his teeth.

Adam wrapped his arms around Brad's neck and his fingers played lazily in Brad's hair. He nearly yelped when he felt Brad's hand cup him through his jeans. He tried to pull away from the kiss but Brad's hand immediately cupped the back of his head, preventing him to do so. Instead, he groaned through the kiss and brought his own hand down on Brad's, guiding Brad's grip.

Brad turned his head, changing the angle of the kiss as his hand gripped and tugged at Adam through his pants. Slowly he cupped Adam's hard on, loving the feel of it beneath his hand.

"Uhn… Brad," Adam moaned through the kiss, his words disappearing inside Brad's mouth.

Brad pulled away, needing air, but immediately placed his hungry kiss on Adam’s neck, lapping and sucking at the vein there. He was too far gone to stop now. Slowly, as he continued to rub at Adam and kiss his neck, he backed the both of them against the wall, trapping Adam. He attacked the older man's mouth again as his hands gripped the rim of his pants. In one, quick motion, both pants and boxers were on the floor.

Adam moaned through the kiss as his cock sprang out of his pants and rubbed against Brad's thigh. He felt as if he were going to explode if Brad didn't do anything soon, "Brad...," He cried out when Brad pulled away and looked at him.

'God, I had forgotten how beautiful he is', Brad thought as he reached a hand up and cupped it around Adam's cheek, his thumb darting out and across that bottom lip. He bent forward and kissed it softly. Adam opened his mouth, wanting another kiss, but Brad pulled away. He had other things in mind.

Adam watched as Brad began his descent and he couldn't help but moan. Brad tugged at one of Adam’s nipples with his teeth while staring up at him with such desire and want in his eyes as he went further, darting his tongue in and out of Adam's bellybutton.

Brad paused and stared at Adam's cock. He swallowed the lump in his throat, Adam's moans and whimpers pounding through his ears. Want.

Want.

Slowly, Brad’s tongue licked the drop of precum that decorated the slit of Adam's cock. Brad moaned and he felt Adam's hands in his hair, urging him to go further but not pushing. He took in more, his tongue, teeth and lips getting reacquainted with the taste and texture of Adam.

"God... Brad…," Adam choked out, his sweaty body squirming against the wall. Brad's mouth felt like heaven on him. He opened his eyes and looked down, the sight of Brad's face, beautiful in its’ concentration, his eyes closed, and the way his head bobbed brought Adam closer to his orgasm. He gripped his hands tighter in Brad's hair as his cock was deep throated. He thrust in and out as Brad's head bobbed up and down and soon they set up a rhythm with each other.

Brad moaned and gripped Adam's ass as the older boy continued thrusting into his mouth. He squeezed Adam's ass. He knew from experience that Adam was close and he couldn't help but smile in the back of his mind at the fact that Adam was near tears and almost purring like a kitten. Adam had always been so sensitive during sex.

Finally, without warning, Adam's hot liquid shot deep inside Brad's throat. He swallowed every drop of what Adam had to offer him and when Adam began to soften in his mouth, he stood up slowly and faced Adam at eye level, his eyes searching.

After taking a long time to regain control, Adam smiled and lifted a hand up. Slowly, he wiped off the drop of cum that decorated the corner of Brad's lip.

Brad smiled back and leaned in for another kiss. This time, the kiss was slow and sensual and far less breathtaking ... but sweet nonetheless.

No words needed to be said. Each knew what the other was thinking and feeling by just one look in the eyes. They had always been in tune with each other like that.

As soon as they walked into the bedroom, they were once again in each other’s arms. Adam’s hands were all over Brad, regretting that he hadn't had his arms around Brad for so long.

"Adam, take me back, make me yours again," Brad gasped, "Please?"

Adam didn't answer.

Skin felt like velvet as their hands skimmed over each other. Clothes fell to the floor at their feet: mixtures of black, blue and white. In fact, everything seemed to be mixing together in the spacious bedroom. The only thing that was clear to both of them was the other man standing in front of him, their eyes filled with desire, their breathing haggard and their bodies quivering with want. In a very short time they were standing facing each other, naked.

"Wow!" Brad exclaimed, "I had forgotten how gorgeous your body is!"

Adam answered with a smile, "Now do you want me to make love to you, or do you want to stand there and admire me?"

"Both!" Brad said with no hesitation. He allowed his eyes to travel over Adam's body, every muscle, every scar and freckle, every part of him. His eyes settled on Adam's cock and his own cock jumped to complete attention. He licked his bottom lip in concentration, trying to catch up with everything that was happening around him. For months, he had laid in his bedroom, jerking off to an image of Adam. Now, here he was, standing in front of Brad, the man he had wanted back more than anything who appeared to want him back as well.

Adam closed his eyes, noticing the reluctance in Brad's eyes. He breathed evenly, trying not to get too worked up. He nearly sighed in relief when he felt the bed jerk under Brad’s weight. He felt Brad move over him and he accepted his kiss hungrily. He wrapped his arms around Brad and pulled the man down, squashing their bodies together. He ran the tips of his fingers over Brad's bare back, almost feeling the skin there tingle.

Brad moaned through the kiss and moved to bury his face in Adam’s neck, "Addy," Brad moaned again, "I want you so much," He lapped and sucked at Adam's neck as Adam's fingers continued to dance down his lower back. He groaned when Brad wrapped his legs around him and dug the heels of his feet into his back, pulling him even closer.

Brad moaned and arched up, feeling Adam's cock rubbing against his. He dropped his hands lower and rounded them over Adam's ass, squeezing lightly as he pressed his lips against Adam's ear, "Now, Addy Now," He whispered, wanting Adam inside of him.

Adam lifted himself up, locking his arms and staring down at Brad's face, "God, you're so beautiful," He whispered truthfully. Brad was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. Always had been.

Brad reached a hand up and traced a finger around Adam's lips, "Now, Adam," He moaned.

Adam reached over and picked the condom and the lube from the nightstand. He then reached between them and as he locked eyes with Brad. Once the condom was in place, he lubed himself in preparation.

Brad stared up at him, waiting and ready to be entered. He gripped onto Adam's shoulders and arched his back, almost unable to wait any longer, "Adam."

Adam sat up on his knees and held Brad's leg open with his hand. He looked at Brad, sought reassurance and found it, and then looked back down, eyeing Brad's tight, puckered hole. His cock throbbed in his hand. Finally, he positioned the head of his cock at Brad’s hole and slipped the head in, nearly screaming in pleasure as Brad's muscles tightened around him.

"Fuck!"Adam exclaimed as he tried to enter, "You're as tight as you were the very first time!"

"Oh, Fuck," Brad swore through clenched teeth. He arched his back violently and gripped onto the sheets beside him.

Adam was already too far gone. He pulled the head of his cock out, relieving Brad for only a second before pushing back in, head only.

"Fuck. Fuck," Brad swore again, "More. More."

Adam obliged. He slid his cock in as far as it could go and paused, allowing Brad to adjust. After a few seconds, he couldn't wait any longer and pulled all the way out.

Brad only had time to breathe for a split second before Adam slid his cock back in, tapping at his prostate, "Jesus ...," His words were coming out as puffs and he tightened his legs around Adam wanting more and less at the same time.

Adam pulled all the way out and then slid back in, quicker than before but still agonizingly slow. He remembered their first time and the immense pain he knew Brad had been in. He didn't want Brad to feel that pain again but damn, it felt so fucking good. So sweet. He continued that pattern, in deep, out, in deep again and out, hitting Brad's prostate with each inward thrust. Soon, his pattern was quick, both men arching into each thrust and accepting it hungrily.

Brad was thrashing around like a madman, panting incoherently and gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he felt his explosive orgasm near, "Adam, harder," He commanded, not caring about the sweet pain anymore. He wanted that release. And Adam didn't even have to touch him.

Adam went faster, harder. He screamed out and gripped onto Brad's knees for leverage. His whole body began to tremble as orgasm neared, "Brad, Oh God. Brad. You feel so good, love."

Brad sat up and wrapped his arms around Adam. He buried his face in Adam’s neck, the new position hitting him in a different angle, "Oh, Addy ...," He whispered. Suddenly, he was silent and frozen as his orgasm rolled through his body. He emptied his hot cum between him and Adam, his whole body rippling with delicious pleasure. He fell back against the mattress just as Adam's fingers dug into him. He opened his eyes and watched as Adam hit his orgasm and emptied inside of him. It was singularly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Adam felt himself being pulled down and he rested halfway on Brad. He closed his eyes and listened to Brad's racing heartbeat beneath his ear. It was moments before he would even speak.

Brad didn't let him. Instead, the young boy bent down and kissed Adam, soft and slow. His hands once again found their way to Adam's velvety back and he soothed the older man as they kissed. Once again, they needed no words.

_____________________________________

 

It was late evening when Brad woke up. There were no lights on, and for a moment he didn't know where he was. When he remembered he immediately panicked, wondering where Adam had gone. But he was there, lying beside Brad, head propped up on one arm, just looking at Brad.

"What are you doing?" Brad asked sleepily.

"Just watching you sleep," Adam answered, "I had forgotten how gorgeous you are when you sleep."

“I’m so happy," Brad told him, "Adam, I'm so sorry...for everything."

"Me too," Adam interrupted, "So now let’s just put it behind us, like it never happened."

"Just one more thing," Brad persisted, "I want you to know, I will never ever do that to you again. I mean cheating, leaving, everything! Never again, Addy! You're stuck with me from now on."

"You don't know how stuck," Adam laughed, "When I woke up our bellies were stuck together big time by all that glue you put between us."

Saying that, they laughed, hugged and kissed.

Brad swallowed, "Do you ...still care about him?" he asked, afraid of the answer.

Adam looked at him and shook his head, "Who, Drake? No. I mean…Sure, I still have some feelings for him, but that’s only because we’ve just broken up. It will go away eventually. Plus, Drake and I…he was a part of such an important period of my life. When Idol happened, I was experiencing things that I have always dreamed about experiencing with you….and you weren’t there. Drake was. So…for that, he will always have a part in my heart, Brad. Drake's my best friend …."

"I thought I was your best friend,-" Brad asked without realizing the evident pain in his voice or even that he said it.

Adam looked at him, silent for a while before speaking, "No, Brad. You're more than that. You're… God…You're everything," He reached a hand and cupped Brad's cheek which Brad grabbed onto and leaned into gratefully. Adam kissed Brad's pouty lips softly.

Brad moaned and opened his mouth for entrance as he pulled Adam closer. He gripped onto Adam's forearms before sliding down and cupping Adam's butt. Adam meant everything to him too.

_____________________________________

 

Adam woke up about ten the next morning. Brad was gone, but someone had opened the shades to let the light stream in, had turned on a small radio softly, and something was smelling good.

He crawled out of bed, put some clothes on and walked to the kitchen.

"Smells good."

Brad smiled and leaned back into Adam's arms, his back pressed against Adam's stomach, a position he had always loved, "So do you, gorgeous," He said, inhaling Adam's scent that surrounded him.

Adam smiled, not justifying that comment with one of his own. He just decided to relish whatever compliments Brad decided to give him, "Whatcha making?"

Brad flipped the food over, one hand wrapped around Adam's which were locked against his stomach and the other working with the spatula, "My famous hamburgers."

"Mm. I remember them. Sounds good," Adam stated, nuzzling Brad's hair and kissing his neck.

Brad moaned and nearly dropped his spatula when he felt Adam's tongue darting against his neck. "Adam...” he mumbled as he felt Adam's hands move lower.

"Hmm?" Adam asked, his mouth sucking on Brad's neck and his hands working on Brad's zipper and jeans buttons.

Brad did drop the spatula but really didn't care. His eyes fluttered shut when Adam's hand slid into his jeans and gripped his cock, "God…." He huffed, squirming his backside against Adam's middle. He decided to help Adam out and he quickly removed his own shirt, tossing it to the side.

Adam smiled and continued stroking Brad. Just as he was about to go further, the cell phone in his pocket rang.

Brad froze and immediately stepped forward and away from Adam. Zipping up his pants and grabbing the spatula, he went back to making the food.

Adam sighed, his eyes watching Brad. He reached into his pocket and grabbed the cell phone, not believing he forgot to put it on ‘vibrate’, "Hello?"

Brad stared down at the food halfheartedly as he listened to Adam's side of the conversation. Adam had his cell phone, something he had insisted that neither of them were to bring because of interruptions. His heart sank, realizing he had been the only one hanging to his end of the deal. It could only mean one thing. Adam did not trust him, at least not completely. He couldn't help but to wonder who Adam was talking to.

"What do you want? What? I'm kind of busy right now. No, I’m not home. Look, I have to go. I'll talk to you when I get back. Okay? Bye," Adam hung up the phone and lifted his eyes, "Brad."

Brad turned around, his face flat, "What?"

Adam lifted up the phone and sighed, "I'm sorry. About this."

Brad shrugged, pretending it didn't matter. He turned around and continued with his food.

Adam sighed and walked up behind him. Gripping Brad's shoulder, he turned Brad to face him. He searched Brad's eyes, “I know I shouldn't have brought my phone. But, I don't know why I did. I'm sorry."

Brad cast his eyes downward, suddenly not that angry anymore. He looked back up and locked eyes with Adam and smiled, "It's okay. I guess it was smart for emergencies and stuff."

Adam bent down and kissed Brad's throat. Brad closed his eyes and tilted his head back, giving Adam better access, "Who was on the phone?"

Adam froze, not expecting that question. He slowly moved away from Brad and looked the young boy in the eyes. After a pause and a clearing of his throat, he answered, "Drake."

Brad's heart sank. He didn't know what to do. Drake wanted to talk to Adam. That could only mean one thing. He wanted to get back with Adam. He was hit with sudden fear as a million thoughts hit him at once.

Would Adam go back to Drake? Would Adam reject him for Drake? He wouldn't, would he? He wouldn't go back to Drake after all that had happened between them the previous day, would he? He wasn't likely to, was he? But then, Adam had come back to him, hadn’t he? Besides, what chance did he stand against that smart, cute boy? Oh God, what was he going to do? Adam was going to leave him to go back to Drake, no matter how much Brad loved him.

"Oh", Brad finally said, avoiding Adam's eyes.

"He just wanted to talk."

"I bet."

Adam watched as Brad walked away from him and went to the fridge, "Bradley?"

"What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Brad said, grabbing something from the fridge.

"Something's wrong. I know you. I know you way too well. I know when something's wrong."

"Look! Nothing is wrong, okay?" Brad shot back, turning his eyes to Adam, "Just drop it."

Adam looked at Brad before leaving the kitchen.

Brad sighed and watched after him, suddenly feeling bad.

_____________________________________

 

Brad found Adam in the spacious living room, watching the shopping channel on the big screen television. He stood behind the couch and stared at the TV screen for a minute, "Anything good up for sale?"

"Nope," Adam stated simply.

Brad sighed and moved to the front of the couch. Slowly, he straddled Adam's lap, breaking his view of the television. He hooked a finger under Adam's chin and forced him to look up, "Hey," he said softly, tracing Adam's bottom lip with his thumb, "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

Adam didn't say anything but stared up into Brad's eyes.

"Maybe ... Maybe I'm just kind of jealous. Of Drake, and what you guys had. But, I mean, I have no reason to be jealous, do I?"

Adam smiled softly, wrapping his arms around Brad's waist and pulling him further up on his lap, "No, you don’t."

Brad smiled back and bent down and captured Adam's bottom lip into his mouth. He moaned around the sweet skin and cupped his hands delicately around Adam's face, holding him in place.

Adam groaned and sunk further into the couch and allowed Brad to have his way with him. He moaned and quickened the kiss, "Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?"

Brad pulled back. He reached over and found Adam's hand, entwining his fingers with his own. He smiled softly, suddenly feeling okay again, "I was just thinking."

"About what?" Adam asked, nuzzling his nose in the crevice of Brad's chest and then kissing the spot there.

Brad moaned and watched with hooded eyes as Adam turned them over and pushed Brad down on the couch as he began to go lower, dragging his tongue along his stomach, "I was-I was thinking about…Um, about,-"

"I hope it wasn't about someone else, Brad. You know what a jealous bitch I can become," Adam engulfed Brad's head in his mouth and gently sucked on it.

"No," Brad whispered, "I could never think of anyone else when I'm with you."

“What is that supposed to mean?”

"I just meant that…that I'm not like that. I wouldn't think of someone else while I'm with you," Brad lied, knowing what he said had meant so much more than that.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Brad looked at Adam, his heart sinking. Unable to take the silence, he wrapped a hand behind Adam's head and pulled the confused-looking man to him. He kissed him, slowly at first, taking bottom lip into his mouth and making love to it before going deeper, his tongue desperately battling Adam's.

Adam moaned and moved, positioning Brad on the bottom and him on top. He continued the passionate kiss for a while longer before breaking away for air. He continued his earlier descent, making sure to lap at Brad's nipples before going further. He engulfed Brad's cock in his mouth and began sucking, slowly and evenly.

 

 

Brad closed his eyes and arched his back, his hands in Adam's hair and soft moans falling from his lips as Adam's soft tongue and mouth delicately sucked him towards his orgasm. There was nothing rough or hard about it, except the obvious, but it was sweet and passionate.

Adam continued his slow, sweet torture as he ran his hands up to Brad's chest and then back down again, repeating the motion constantly. He didn't want to rush this; wanted to take his time until Brad spurted down his throat; wanted to savor every moan, touch and arch from the man beneath him because he knew that soon, this would all be over.

Brad moaned when he felt Adam's tongue swirl around his head before taking his cock deeply inside his mouth. He knew he wouldn't be able to take it much longer. He let himself go with a shudder and a silent moan and whimpered as Adam continued to suck him softly, even as his orgasm subsided.

Adam finally sat up and immediately snaked over to Brad. Wrapping himself around Brad he locked his arms as he kissed his forehead, cheeks, nose, chin and then finally, his lips.

Brad pulled Adam on top of him, one arm wrapped around the younger man's back and the other hand clasped on the back of his head. He kissed Adam deeply, never wanting that moment to end.

 

  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.

The days went by fast. Brad and Adam spent as much time alone as they could. It was the last day of their little vacation and things couldn't get any better between the two. They would sleep together, wake up in each other's arms, showering together, cooking together, and making love until they couldn't walk.

Brad rolled over on the bed, to find Adam's face in front of him. He couldn't help but smile. He was so beautiful, hair all messy from Brad grabbing it while he was nearing his orgasm. The sheet barely covered his morning erection. Brad got up, slowly pulling the sheet off the beautiful man in front of him, putting it aside. The cool breeze that ran over Adam's body made him shiver a bit and he rolled over onto his back, leaving his semi-erect cock right in front of Brad. Brad smiled. What a beauty! He lowered his mouth and kissed the tip of Adam's cock softly. Seeing as Adam just moaned but didn't wake up, he went on, tracing a soft line with his kisses from Adam's cock to his balls. In one quick movement he took Adam's balls in his mouth, making him jump up, snapping his eyes open. Adam tried to open his mouth and say something, but pleasure took over and he threw his head back, blocking a scream. Brad released Adam's balls from his mouth, making sure Adam saw him licking his lips. "Baby, you can scream as much as you want, no one will hear you here."

Breathing heavily, he said, "I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad idea."

He smirked, looking at Brad lowering his mouth again towards Adam's testicles.

"Oh fuck!" Adam’s scream was heard this time, along with moans and hips bucking towards Brad's mouth, "Baby, touch me."

He felt Brad taking his cock in his warm hands, jerking him off fast. It wasn't long before Adam lost control, coming all over his chest and Brad's hands. He lay there, trying to catch his breath, feeling Brad sucking him clean, not missing a drop. He pulled Brad on top of him, kissing him hard.

"Baby, you taste amazing," Brad winked, kissing Adam's nose.

"You almost gave me a heart attack there, sexy!" Adam ran his fingers through Brad’s hair, "I’m old, you know, almost thirty."

"Nah, it's just a cover, deep down you know you're a typical eighteen-year-old guy. A total sexaholic!"

"Well, I never denied being that when it comes to you," Adam smiled, letting Brad put his head on his sweaty chest. After lying quietly for a few minutes, Adam spoke, "Brad... Since it's our last day here,-"

"I know, I'm gonna miss this place," he planted a soft kiss on Adam's chest, "Lots of great memories."

Adam smiled, "Yeah... Well, I wanna do something special today."

Brad raised his head, looking suspiciously at Adam, "What would that be exactly?"

"Impatient, aren't we?"

"Always.... Now tell me."

"Nope," Adam smiled widely, "It’s a secret."

Brad closed his eyes.  “Oh, not again!  When will you stop?  Look, you’re not going to make me get on another plane, are you?”

“No,” Adam replied, holding Brad’s hand in his, “And that’s all I’m saying.  You’re just going to have to wait and see.”

 

____________________________________

 

They walked up to the main resort.  The restaurant was softly lit and very private, and the manager, quite used to the parade of famous visitors through the resort, hardly batted an eye at either of them.

He gave them a booth at the back that was set on an angle and surrounded by huge potted plants so it was blocked quite effectively from the view of any other diners.  By virtue of the fact that the seat was curved around the small table, they were able to sit very close together and be assured that their conversation would be completely private.

It took a few minutes for Adam to realize how nervous Brad was.  Having noticed the stares he got when they’d walked through town, Brad was quite aware of being in a public place where they were quite literally backed into a corner if they drew any unwanted attention. Every time someone walked by, he tensed up beside Adam, even though it was very unlikely that anyone other than the restaurant staff even knew they were there.

“You can settle down,” Adam murmured, “I don’t think anyone is going to bother us here,”   
He leaned over and kissed Brad lightly on the cheek and sighed at the way Brad jumped. 

“How can you be so relaxed about it?” Brad replied, irritated, “What if one of your _glamberts_ saw you come in here and decided to run back to their room and grab their camera?”

“So?”

“So?”

“Yeah, so? You always look good on camera, baby,” Adam teased, trying to lighten the mood. When Brad didn’t react to him, he sighed, “Look, I’m not saying I’d like it. But first of all, I don’t think it will happen here, and secondly, sooner or later, someone is going to see us together.”

“Sorry.”  Brad tried to shake it off.  “I know I’m being ridiculous.”

Adam put one hand over Brad’s.  “This isn’t exactly what I wanted for dinner conversation, but maybe you’d feel better if I told you how I’d like to handle this from now on.”

Brad’s eyes widened.  “What do you mean?”

“Brad, you know I’ve never done this kind of thing before, but I’d like to be able to show you around. I want to say that yes, we are back together and that yes, they’ll be seeing us together from now on.”

He saw the way Brad’s face changed, and hurriedly added, “I won’t do anything unless you’re okay with it. I know that whole O’Reilly fiasco got quite messy for you, but believe me, I think it will make things easier for you that way.”

“How do you figure that?” Brad said blankly.

“Because, if I come out and say that you’re my boyfriend, a lot of people will back off.  The tabloids, well, there is absolutely nothing I can do about them, so I won’t even bother.  And you know lots of my _glamberts_ are rooting for _Bradam_ anyway.”

“You don’t surf the Internet much anymore, do you?” Brad muttered, “ _Bradam_ is so last season. _Adommy_ is the trend nowadays.”

Adam laughed, “Honestly, Brad, I can protect you a little more if you’ll let me say something semi-official about us.”  Frustrated, he reached out and unclenched Brad’s hands, “You know, there isn’t going to be anything left of that napkin if you don’t stop twisting it like that.”

“Oh my God,” Brad said weakly, “Wow. I guess we really are that then, aren’t we?”

“Really are what?” Adam said, gently.

“Back together.”

Adam raised his eyes skyward, “God, Bradley, do you need a press release to make you believe that?  Yes.  We are back together.  We will be together. You and me.  As much as we can be, whenever we can be, wherever we can be.   The rest is just details.”

Amused by Brad’s trembling smile, Adam put one hand behind Brad’s head and pulled it down against his shoulder, “You are such an idiot sometimes,” he whispered, “I can’t be doing much right if you still doubt me like that.”  Cutting off Brad’s protests, he added, “Don’t worry. By the time this vacation is over, I promise you’re not going to have any more doubts.”

“You do say the most amazing things,” Brad whispered.  Forgetting himself completely, he turned his face in against Adam’s, nuzzling his neck while he rested his hand on Adam’s leg under the table and slid it up against his thigh.

Adam closed his eyes, “Okay, time to change the subject,” he said, fanning himself with his menu.  “Here, read this.  Pick something.”

Obediently, Brad opened his menu and stared at it, but after a moment, he lowered it enough that he could look at Adam over the top and Adam found Brad gazing at him with an undeniably contented expression.

“You look very happy,” Adam said gently.

A soft blush crept into Brad’s face, and Adam was touched by Brad’s sudden, sweet bashfulness.

“I am.”  
 

____________________________________

 

 

The rest of dinner passed very quietly, though what was lacking in actual conversation was more than compensated for with a series of exchanges of shy, lingering glances.  Although still overwhelmed by the sudden changes that were going on in his world, Brad was finding it impossible not to let himself be carried away by the familiar emotions that were once again washing over him after five years. He was touched by Adam’s constant attention to his every move, his feelings and his insecurities.

The meal was delicious although Brad could not remember any of the details of it later.  He spent a lot of time watching Adam’s every move, in an attempt to re-familiarize himself with every inch of his lover.   

What puzzled Brad was Adam’s strange hesitation to leave.  He half-expected and half-wanted to bolt out of the restaurant since they had already finished eating, but Adam insisted on ordering a dessert that neither of them really wanted and seemed to be desperately stalling for time.

“OK, spill it!” Brad finally said when he noticed Adam glancing at his watch again, “Are you waiting for someone?”

“No,” Adam said definitely.

Brad thumped his napkin down on the table.  “All right.  You’re up to something. Again.  What are you planning now?”

“Be patient, sexy.” 

“You worry me when you do this, you know that?  Didn’t we promise not to keep any secrets?”

Adam shrugged a bit awkwardly.  “We did. OK, I just wanted to surprise you.  You might think it’s a silly idea, but,-”

He was rescued when a waiter poked his head around the side of the booth without warning, making them both jump. “Your ride is here, sir.”

Adam nodded and took hold of Brad’s hand.

“Okay, time to go.”

When they reached the cloakroom, Adam got them both their coats, helped Brad slide his jacket on and stood, holding the door open, “After you.”

“OK, where are we going?” Brad asked once they were outside.

“Wait and see.”

“Oh, this is the surprise part, isn’t it?”  Pulling at Adam’s arm, he scoffed, “Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“Will you just be patient? And you’ve got to promise not to laugh at me.”

“Why would I laugh at you?”

Adam shrugged and said nothing further until they got around the far side of the main lodge, then he stopped and pointed.

“I figured you should at least get a chance to do something you won’t normally have a chance to.”

Puzzled, Brad followed Adam’s hand, and his mouth dropped open.  Parked at the bottom of the long set of steps was a beautiful old-fashioned horse-drawn sleigh, with a driver and two very pretty grey ponies. 

He stared at it, then at Adam with eyes wide, and Adam said a bit defensively, “I told you that you might think it was silly.”

But Brad was already gone, leaving Adam standing at the top of the steps. He ran lightly down to where the sleigh was parked and went straight up to the horses, allowing himself to be thoroughly snuffled. 

“They are so sweet,” Brad said to Adam when he came to stand beside Brad and put his own hand out to scratch one of the ponies behind the ears.  “They’re almost identical.  Welsh Mountain?” he said to the driver.

He nodded and it was hard to tell whether he or Adam looked more surprised. 

Adam’s shoulders lifted in a shrug.  “I’m a Texan boy, remember?”

Adam grinned.

Brad looked over his shoulder at Adam.  “This is a great idea.  Except, first,” he murmured to the pony who kept burrowing his head into the crook of Brad’s arm, “You need to stop nuzzling me.”

“I can’t say I blame him for that,” Adam said, also under his breath.  “I’ve been having similar thoughts myself all night.”

Brad elbowed him just hard enough to make him laugh then moved himself up into the sleigh. Adam slid in close beside him on the seat and shook out the big blanket that was folded across the back of the bench, tucking it in around them both and finally pulling Brad in against him, with his arm around Brad’s shoulders.

“You’re spoiling me rotten,” Brad said to him as the sleigh began to move.  “You don’t need to try so hard to impress me, baby.”

“Are you complaining already?” Adam asked innocently.

“No,” Brad said, and curled in closer against him.  “I think I can stand to be impressed a little bit more.”

Following a wide path through the trees, the driver took the sleigh up into the forest and along the edge of the ridge that ran along the back of the resort, offering a beautiful view of the lights in the valley below.  The scenery was breathtaking, but Brad spent a good part of the journey with his eyes closed and his head tucked down on Adam’s shoulder, finding himself so overwhelmed with feelings he hadn’t had for so long. It felt like they had never been apart, like they had picked up right they had left off years ago. Brad was content to just snuggle against Adam and enjoy the soothing movement of the ride.

____________________________________

 

 

Adam wrapped his arms around himself and stared out of the window, taking note that the sky seemed to match his mood; dark and miserable. He sighed and turned around, his eyes focused on the sleeping man who had an arm and leg protectively wrapped around a body-length pillow. Adam's heart sunk even further. In a little over eight hours, they'd have to leave the cabin and go back to the real world, something he wasn't quite ready for yet.

The night before had only solidified the fact that he was in love. Their romantic ride back to the cabin had been followed by cuddling in the king-sized bed, nothing sexual. Kisses had been placed above the neckline, sometimes one or two were snuck below, hands had caressed faces, arms and backs only. He liked it better like that, he thought.

He couldn't sleep. Of course he couldn't sleep. So he had stayed up most of the night, cursing at himself and wishing this weekend never happened, and thanking God that it did happen at the same time.

Finally, around eight o'clock, Brad stirred and opened his eyes.

Adam smiled softly from his position in the chair next to the bed. He had been watching Brad sleep as if he were in a daze. Now, seeing Brad's eyes peeking up at him under the covers made his sinking heart lift and pound in his chest. "Hey." He choked out, his voice raspy.

"Hey." Brad replied, sitting up, the sheets falling and exposing his naked chest. He kept his eyes on Adam as he spoke. "I don't even remember falling asleep." He said with a soft laugh.

"I didn't really sleep much. You fell asleep around two. While I was talking."

"Oh." Brad said, shifting his eyes to the floor. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Adam answered truthfully. "I talk too much anyway. I don't blame you."

"I like hearing you talk." Brad said, saying the words before thinking.

Adam just stared at him, contemplating on telling Brad the truth. "Brad-" He began, his voice hoarse. Was he doing the right thing? What could possibly happen? Brad could get angry but he'd be forgiven. He always forgave Adam or maybe, maybe Brad would return the feelings? Maybe.

"Yeah?" Brad asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Uhm. I just- Well, there's something you should know."

"Go ahead. You can tell me." Brad said, not even considering what was running through his mind. It could never happen, anyhow. "You can tell me anything. Come here." He reached a hand out, noting his friend's sadness and wanting to cure it.

Adam reluctantly took Brad's hand and sat down next to him, his whole body turning to the consistency of jello, it seemed. He felt a hand on his cheek and his eyes turned to meet and lock with Brad's. He swallowed hard and squeezed Brad's hand. He never wanted to let go.

"Hey." Brad whispered, cupping Adam's face and planting a soft kiss on his forehead. "What's wrong?" He asked, his lips lightly brushing Adam’s nose, then his chin.

Adam closed his eyes, trying to get himself together. Brad smelled so good, his lips felt so good. Suddenly, he couldn't think.

Brad wrapped an arm over and around Adam’s shoulder and the other under the younger man's arm, pulling him closer. He touched his lips to his and found that Adam immediately responded. He moaned when Adam’s tongue gently slid against his teeth.

Adam ran his fingers through Brad's long locks, tangling them at the ends. His other hand ran down Brad's bare arm before moving back up again and finally finding home against Brad's cheek.

Brad smiled against the kiss, loving again the way Adam reacted when he was touched. His hand slowly crept in between them and he softly rubbed Adam through his boxers. Adam's moans and grunts then filled the spaces between their soft, hungry kisses.

"Mmm….Brad." Adam moaned before moving in for another kiss.

Brad pulled Adam down and on top of him, his body already overcome with desire. He arched his back as Adam began grinding in between his legs, the only thing separating them were their boxers.

Adam ran his hands up Brad's arms and then entwined their fingers, pinning Brad's arms above his head and to the mattress. He bent down and lapped at Brad's neck before kissing the skin there.

Brad closed his eyes and licked at his lips as Adam began to completely dominate him. He could feel his cock pulsating between them and was hungry from the touch.

Adam let go of Brad's hands but was secretly pleased that Brad kept them pinned to the mattress anyhow, ready to be devoured. He continued his descent, sucking and licking at Brad's small, brown nipples. Brad allowed one of his hands movement and his fingers locked in Adam's hair.

Brad arched his back and licked his lips at the thought of Adam's mouth around his cock. He spread his legs and moaned when he felt Adam’s stomach rub against it.

Adam teasingly licked at Brad's bellybutton as he slithered his way down. He hooked his fingers through the band of Brad's boxers and pulled them down as he sat up.

Brad stared down at Adam and watched as the older man fondled his cock. "Adam ..." He choked out. He took both of his hands and locked his fingers around the bar of the headboard.

Adam bent down and took Brad's cock fully in his mouth, his eyes falling shut. He gripped the base with one hand as his other lazily graced Brad's balls. He began his pace slow and long, allowing Brad's cockhead to tap at his throat each time he took him in.

Brad gripped onto the headboard, his knuckles turning white as Adam's mouth surrounded him. His breathing became ragged and his chest was rising and falling, almost as rapidly as Adam's was. Suddenly, without warning, Adam pulled his mouth away. Brad opened his eyes and looked down at him, wondering if he liked Adam at the moment.

"Brad-" Adam said, his voice dripping with desire. Brad decided to forgive. ADAM climbed his way back up and kissed Brad softly. "Brad…" He whispered again through the kiss. "I want to feel you inside of me." Adam didn't wait for an answer. Instead, he straddled Brad and planted his hands on the mattress for leverage.

Brad gripped Adam's hips, knowing what was going to happen. He welcomed it. Adam reached over and fumbled blindly for the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed. He pushed the bottle of lube and the condom that he had fished out of the drawer into Brad’s hand.

"Take me. Anyway you want me."

Brad quickly pressed a finger soaked with lube against Adam's hole and eased it inside, causing Adam to moan. The second finger slipped in with the help of more lube. Brad rolled a condom onto his own cock and gasped, letting out a belly-deep growl as Adam lowered himself onto his cock. "Oh, God ... " He gasped out as he felt Adam's muscles implode around him. A bright flash of pleasure rushed through him, starting at his cock, racing to his toes and ending at his head. He dug his fingers into Adam's thighs.

Adam slid all the way down until Brad filled him completely. Tears stung at his eyes and he realized he wasn't quite used to the pain but he was welcoming the pleasure. He bent forward and placed his hands on Brad's heaving chest. Just then, Brad opened his eyes and they locked with his. Adam took the cue and started moving.

Brad slid his hands up and gripped at Adam's waist as the older man began riding him. The pleasure was the best he had ever known as he disappeared in and out of Adam. He continued to lock eyes with Adam though he knew it was becoming harder and harder for the both of them to hold back as their orgasms neared.

Adam moaned and cried as Brad's cock tapped at his prostate each time and that fact made him ride faster and longer. He bent even further and grabbed at Brad's hands. He entwined them together and arched his back.

Brad closed his eyes but opened them shortly after, wanting to witness the beautiful scene before him.

"Yes, Brad. Oh, God, yes."

Brad thrust up and arched his back, his orgasm hitting him harder than any time before. He allowed himself go deep inside of Adam and soon felt Adam's own come coating his stomach and chest.

Adam lifted himself off Brad and fell down beside the older man. He gasped for air and felt Brad wrap an arm around him. Soon after, he felt Brad's lips on his cheek.

"Hey ..." Brad said, "You okay?" There was laughter in his voice.

Adam opened his eyes and peered up at Brad. "Yeah." He said with a small smile, though it was only partially true.

Brad kissed his cheek again. "Thought you passed out there for a second."

"Naw."

Silence. "So, what did you want to tell me?" Fingers running softly up and down the other boy's arm.

"I just ... wanted to thank you for giving me this weekend."

Brad stared up at the ceiling, his smile slowly melting from his face.


End file.
